Bibleman: Big, Big Book

Review by Heckler King

It’s a crummy superhero double feature with two Bibleman adventures so bad even the people who make them know it! In the first, Bibleman appears in some kids’ garage musical to tell the neighborhood all the wonders you can learn about in the "Big, Big Book". In our main event, he tries to head "Back to School" to teach more of our impressionable youth about his faith, but the sinister Madame Glitz has other plans!

Miles Peterson aka Bibleman (Willie Aames)

Year: 1997
Censorship Rating: Not rated, but aimed at a family audience

Did you ever watch a dopey sitcom, a Saturday morning cartoon or a B-movie in the 80’s? Then you may have heard of Willie Aames, late of such great programs as "Eight is Enough", "Charles in Charge" and "Dungeons and Dragons". To get in with the in crowd, he just said yes and became a cocaine addict. Eventually he got himself cleaned up and faster than you can say “no greater love has God than this” he decided to share the secret of his salvation with the world by dressing up in a humiliating purple and yellow get-up as Bibleman, a superhero who battles the forces of sin and helps kids make the right decisions with a holy light saber and reciting scripture in the heat of battle as his weapons. And if not for how moronic and hypocritical the series can be, you could almost think there’s something worthwhile to be learned from it.

I think the Mad Hatter said it best when he said, “Begin at the beginning, and when you reach the end, stop.” And so here we are at the beginning of the monolithic Bibleman saga. For some bizarre reason (the movies suck so bad even Pamplin Entertainment is ashamed of them), the items in our double bill are no longer available in any form but secondhand VHS; you can’t even buy them from the online store at the official Bibleman website. But being Bibleman’s biggest fan like I am, I just have to let the world know about these buried treasures and how much they add to Bibleman’s stupendous legacy.

Like I said on Jabootu‘s board, there’s no point in doing a full review of Big, Big Book, as it only makes the barest pretension of having a plot. There isn’t much to say when 85% of the movie is song after song performed by ten year olds. Instead, I’ll do a short compilation of things I found worth commentary.

Big, Big Book

The general plot is that some Bible school kids are putting on a musical revue in one their garages for the whole neighborhood to see. Cower in fear.

• The kids are afraid their show will bomb. Overhearing this by listening through the door, objectionable enough for a character intended to be a role model, our hero decides to change into Bibleman to give them a pep talk and restore their confidence. Also disturbing is the fact that they wouldn’t open up to his alter ego about their fears, but could barely fall over themselves fast enough to tell Bibleman. Isn’t this sort of the worship of icons, if the kids will only listen to suggestions to obey God’s word or confide their fears in a flashy superhero character?

• To inspire the kids, Bibleman tells them about the time he took on Dr. Decepto and lost. How’d he get through it? He prayed to God for courage and faith. Yes, he actually says he prayed to God for faith. Now stop me if I’m wrong, because I’m certainly no theologian, but isn’t having faith what generally compels one to pray to higher powers in the first place?

• Bibleman’s costume is the Full Armor of God, based on the metaphorical armor from the Book of Ephesians: Shoes of Peace, Breastplate of Righteousness, Helmet of Salvation, Waistbelt of Truth, Shield of Faith, and Sword of the Spirit. For some reason, his sort of duel with the villain told in flashback (shown in a series of dizzying close-ups where we don’t even see who he’s fighting) is the only time in the series where the Shield of Faith is actually a shield.

• One of the kids tells his dad to go out and stall the kids attending for a few minutes while they get ready for the first number, and he lets them in after like twenty seconds. Thanks, dad.

• One of the kids waiting to be let in says she’s heard that there’s a secret appearance by somebody famous in the show and wonders who it is. This is hilarious because another girl just said, “Hey mister, I want to see the Bibleman show!” It’s common knowledge that this is “the Bibleman show,” and they’re wondering who the appearance will be by? And I’m sure the life-size cardboard replica of Our Hero prominent on stage won’t give anything away.

Back to School

Back of Box Fun: In this episode Bibleman's neighborhood friends invite him to come along as they bring the dynamic Bibleman Show to the entire school. Then, join Bibleman as he challenges the malevolent Madame Glitz. Will she keep him captive? Will he break free from her evil snair (sic!)? Stay tuned and find out!

As soon as the cavity-inducing theme song ends*, we’re assaulted with another scriptural Kidz Bop ditty. Some kids are loading props and costumes into a mobile home, and I’m asked to “climb aboard the Bible” because “we’re going on a trip.” Apparently we’ll even “go on a safari, every animal to see. From dinosaurs, to whales, and a snake beside a tree.” Uh…what book of the Bible had dinosaurs in it?

[*UnSub's aside: I've never heard the actual Bibleman theme song, but for some reason imagine it to be just like the 1960's Spiderman one. Everyone, sing along with me -

Bibleman, Bibleman,
Does whatever the Bible can.
Quotes the Scripture at any time
Trusts in God as you will find
Look out! Here comes the Bibleman!

Okay, maybe not.]

Next door, we see Miles Peterson (Bibleman’s secret [?] identity) standing in what tries to pass itself off as a lavish den/office and place a call on a cordless phone the size of a cinderblock and call “Mr. Davis,” his next door neighbor. Were those really so much bigger in 1995 than they are now? He says that he’s watching the kids practice their song in the driveway (creepy), and then adds, “Oh, so the kids ARE performing at school today…”

I fail to see the point of this call. After all, it prominently reads “The Bibleman Show” on the side of the mobile home the kids are packing up, and Miles IS Bibleman, so unless they were planning on telling Bibleman about the performance once they got to school, he’d know this already. And you have to think he does when he practically says with a knowing wink to the camera, "Say hi to Bibleman for me."

Then again, it’s probably so he’d be distracted and not notice when a huge biker guy suddenly enters the shot and grabs Miles before dragging him away. For a superhero, Miles sure has bad security if some Hell‘s Angel can just waltz into his house and kidnap his ass like this. Especially since he’s evidently the kind of superhero whose enemies know his secret identity. I don’t know, if I were a superhero in that position, I think I’d devote some effort to either getting a new identity or getting one sweet security system.

We then see Miles’ abduction shift to being seen on a TV screen and meet the devious mastermind behind the fell deed of trying to make him miss his appearance at a grade school assembly: Madame Glitz, a very average-looking lady except for having apparently put on her make up this morning by smashing her face down on the vanity.

Next door, the kids are all set to go, and we even get to meet Sheila and Andre, two new members of their troupe. How nice to meet them and then have them disappear forever after this episode. The dad from last episode who I presume to be Mr. Davis herds the kids into the Mobile Home of Righteousness and they start singing another treacly song about how we should “get on the Bible Train” and all the neato things we’ll learn about God and his teachings as we take a trip on this big scream machine as they pull up to some elementary school somewhere. What with all the balking at religious expression in public schools these last few years, I found the idea of a performance about the glories of a particular religion being allowed somewhat dubious. And it can’t be a Catholic school or something because…what would the point be?

We meet two students when they walk up to a poster for the show, Cynical Kid and Nice Kid Who Just Wants to be Accepted. Cynical Kid bets Bibleman won’t show, and is looking forward to that, because, “I love it when famous people don’t show up. Then you can boo and hiss and stuff!” says the writer from planet Never Had a Childhood. Cynical Kid even makes a bet with Nice Kid, that if Bibleman doesn’t show up, he gets Nice Kid’s comic book, and vice versa if he does. Something in the back of my mind tells me that winning over Cynical Kid will be Bibleman’s real triumph.

We cut to a sound room in a TV studio where Miles is tied to a chair with bright yellow ropes. He recognizes Glitz’s voice over a pestilential public address system, and demands to know, “Why are you doing this?!” The answer is she wants people to look at her and her awesomeness instead of Bibleman and his awesomeness, although if he can recognize her by voice alone you’d think he’d be familiar enough to know something about her vanity. But I shouldn’t be pondering this because thinking is evidently a sin. He predictably replies that it isn’t Bibleman people want, it’s the Truth of God’s Word. Then why have Bibleman at all if that’s all people want? Why not just have a pastor come out and talk to the kids?

“You’re making a grave mistake, Glitz! Proverbs 16:18 says pride comes before destruction, and an arrogant spirit before a fall!” Whoa, boy, that’s a whole different episode. Besides the inspiring scripture, this helps to illustrate a fatal flaw in Glitz’s plan; namely, Glitz didn’t have Miles gagged, and at this point he was still transformed by prayer, he didn’t dress up in a bunch of gizmos he invented. So if he shut up with the chapter and verse and called out to God for strength to smite His enemies right now, he would become Bibleman, and I don’t see a couple of crappy pet tie out ropes holding God’s avenger for long.

Back to the school, where one of the kids says Bibleman hasn’t shown up yet, but they’ll sing for the assembly until he does. Cynical Kid is in the audience looking disgusted as Nice Kid along with the rest of the group claps up a storm for the first number. The Bible has 66 books, did you know that? I do after this song.

Backstage, the kids are getting a little worried that Bibleman still hasn’t shown up. Don’t they have some way to call him if he’s a part of the show? If he wants to use their performances as a way of reaching kids that much, couldn’t he give them some version of the watch Jimmy Olsen had to call Superman? One of the kids makes a joke that maybe he stopped for a Bible Burger on the way. “Excuse me, would you like some pickled yak lips with that Bible Burger?“ Well heck, what with how Big B marketed his image to action figures, t-shirts, dress up costumes and birthday party supplies, and most recently a video game, how hard is it to imagine a chain of burger joints with his name on it? Scripture-size it!

[UnSub's Aside: Meanwhile, at the Bibleman Burger Emporium:

"Yes, I'll have the low fat New Testament Bible Burger, hold the Lot's Wife, a Goliath-sized coke and a side order of Sinners Will Fries. My wife will have the Good Friday Fishburger, a salad with Burning Bush Chili dressing and some Lent Pancakes, please."]

Another song begins, but is mercifully interrupted when we cut back to Miles tied up in Glitz‘s basement. If she really wants to get rid of him and his preaching, shouldn‘t she have had that biker guy come down here and poke some holes in his chest by now? “Father, in John 8:32, you tell us that if we know the truth, the truth will set us free,” Miles says to the heavens, and suddenly he begins to sparkle and - I feel stupid just typing this - the ropes slough off. Uh, yeah the Bible does say that, but I don’t think God meant it literally. I’d be embarrassed to think I ever thought that was a good idea too.

We get more insipid singing about how we gotta read the book Back in School, then Madame Glitz in her security guard’s office suddenly looks up to see the chair empty and Bibleman standing behind her. “Psalm 1:27:1 says that unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain, and your house is about to fall!” Psalms say her house is about to fall? She demands to know how he did it, and he (are you surprised?) replies with Phillipians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Frankly Big B, I think it’s kind of pathetic you’d need Christ’s help when your own stupid inattention got you into this mess in the first place. Yeah, he’s just a man and men make mistakes, but when men take up the fight against evil they usually adopt behaviors like being cautious. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. Then the power of God’s mercy sucks Glitz into a TV screen or something (Sony, you might want to talk to your product placement guys), and Bibleman just walks away. Hmmm, that was pretty lame.

Back at school, the curtain comes down after two whole songs and Cynical Kid demands Nice Kid’s comic as per their deal. But just then a cheesy light effect signifies that Bibleman is appearing via his Teleportation System of Salvation. “I can’t believe it!” says Cynical Kid. “Believe it!” Nice Kid gleefully replies as he appropriates Cynical Kid’s comic book.

Sayeth the holy Dork: “It’s great to be back in school again, and I’m so happy to see so many books out there! All of these books are very interesting, and reading is one of the best ways to learn about our world and our universe, so keep up the good work. Of course, my favorite book is the Bible [Heckler King: No way, I would’ve sworn blind it was the Encyclopedia Brittanica]. In the Bible, you can learn about history, science, astronomy and politics [HK: Uh, sure. And you forgot paleontology, what with, you know, all those dinosaurs that were in the Bible.], but most of all the Bible tells us about how to live our lives, and it‘s helped me in so many different ways. That’s why my favorite book is the Bible. But like any book, it doesn’t do much good if you don’t take the time to read it and study it, and learn its lessons as well. Thank you for letting me come into your school today and remember to read God’s Word. It’s the greatest book of all." [HK: I simply refuse to believe this would be allowed in a public school in this day and age, even ten years ago.]

And just like that, the uninspired speech has turned Cynical Kid into a believer who’s going to give his life to Jesus Christ. “Comic books are tame compared to this stuff! I’m gonna go get me one of these Bibles!” And then Sheila comes out and performs a song, but you probably care as much as I did. Then I think they cut the part where Superintendent Chalmers comes in and throws them all out on their Biblical behinds. Indeed, a memorable start to a memorable series, which the crew probably wishes the world would forget.

Bibleman is an original creation, so has no direct comic-related source. How well it shows the teachings of the Bible... well, that's up for you to decide.

One thing I’m glad the crew quickly realized is that you need more than a bunch of crummy songs performed by elementary schoolers and a superhero who just talks a good mile to make an inspirational show. The only use I’ll ever get out of these movies is trying to treat insomnia.

That’s hard to say, since Bibleman isn’t setting the bar that high for itself in these movies. Nonetheless, non-stop songs don’t replace story, no matter how young your audience is, and there are enough cheesy little things floating around to give our double feature a solid two on the Funktastic meter.

Date of review: 06 December 2005