Bibleman: The Fiendish Works of Dr. Fear

Review by Heckler King

Bibleman becomes a leader of a school’s anti-drug campaign because gosh darn it, he’s just a great guy like that. But evil is afoot once again, and the cold tendrils of FEAR!! threaten to put a premature end to his heroic example.

Miles Peterson aka Bibleman (Willie Aames)
Coats (Marc Wayne)
Luxor Spawndroth aka Dr Fear (Brian Lemmons)
Ludicrous (Andrew Hicks)
UNICE (Maylo McCaslin)
LUCI (Maylo McCaslin)

Year: 2001
Censorship Rating: Not rated, but aimed at a family audience

The story reaches out and grabs us right away with a radio announcer happily spewing forth the following exposition and commercial plug: “Topping our community calendar, the ‘Clean is Cool’ anti-drug campaign kicks off with a benefit concert at the Schatzville Hall tonight [Heckler King: The location text calls it the “Schatzville Auditorium.” It‘s a good sign to get a contradiction before the first minute is up, isn‘t it?]. Show starts at 8 P.M., and now keep your ear right here for more listener’s choice non-stop CCM favorites with ‘No Place Like Home’ by Scarecrow and Tinmen.”

Of course, who should be helping set up the event for this worthy cause but the Civic-Minded Two, Miles and Coats, who are hanging posters done by grade schoolers on a stage. I have to admit, it’s kind of nice to see these guys taking a stand on a worthwhile cause that has nothing to do with the Bible. If only I could believe Bibleman would help out without bringing God into it, but that’s why they call him Bibleman. Coats tells Miles, “I’ve got something to show you on the way out.” Instead, he shows it to him immediately, the first pair of campaign buttons for this function, which are a conservative purple and yellow just like Bibleman‘s costume. That’s, um, very humble of the people behind this movie. They remark that it’s time to head out even though there’s still streamers and ladders lying all over the place. They turn off the radio and leave, but a sinister figure enters the now empty auditorium.

A figure who makes cheesy whirring noises whenever he moves and has an annoying reverberating voice walks down some stairs and into the auditorium. Hey, it’s Luxor again, and he looks like some kind of Dime-store cyborg. Maybe that’s how he keeps coming back from obliteration. Ludicrous follows him down the stairs doing a not terribly funny imitation of his pseudo-mechanical walk, then gives us a not very funny, or very complimenting reminder that we’ve seen the two of them before: “Uh, do you remember this guy? He used to be like, a different villain, but wasn’t very good as a bad guy, so he’s gotta do it all over.” Forget you guys, I have a memory, and so do the kids you were aiming for. Can’t you think of anything better to fill up forty minutes?

Anyhow, Luxor’s new name is Dr. Fear, and he substitutes the pair of campaign buttons for ones that look like them (would it be pedantic to ask how he knew exactly what the campaign buttons would look like so he could mock up fakes, if the pair on the table are really the first two?), but of course must be some part of an EEEvil plan that will get Bibleman out of his hair (if he had any) - forever!! Cue villainous laughter.

Time for our, um, gripping intro sequence where we hear again about how Miles became Bibleman (when he slumps down and screams in despair he sounds like he’s about to become the Incredible Hulk or something, I don’t know how I didn’t notice that before). There’s an odd credit that proclaims the Supertones and Scarecrow and Tinmen will be playing DIRT. These fellows, as far as I’ve been able to tell, are real rock bands (I found what appears to be the Supertones‘ web site, but I‘m not even trying with a name like Scarecrow and Tinmen), meaning this is the first (and so far last) episode of Bibleman to have CELEBRITY GUEST STARS!! They’re barely touched upon at all, though, which seems weird to me. I don’t know, they made a big deal out of it whenever some celebrity was playing a guest spot on "The Simpsons". But what am I getting worked up about? People want God and His teachings, not Bibleman and red-hot rock groups (I certainly don’t).

Afterward, it’s 19:00 back at the auditorium and the promised benefit concert is underway. Good to see the crew’s time telling skills have improved since last time; they’re only an hour and a half or so off instead of twelve. Inside, Coats and Bibleman are cutting a rug with some groovy chicks to a number about steering clear of drugs. The band playing it is probably one of the two mentioned in the credits, because if you had a rock band guest starring in your movie, wouldn’t they be playing music? That’s just what logic tells me, not their musical adeptness.

The song mercifully ends and the nondescript and unnamed chairman of the Clean is Cool campaign welcomes the campaign’s two spokespersons to the stage, Bibleman, of course, and a “young man who is clean, cool, and a LEADER!! Especially on the basketball court.” Uh,… okay then! Our other campaign header and victim of evil tonight will be Curt Cooper (that’s imaginative). The twenty or so attendees give it up for these hometown heroes like only paid extras can. Bibleman’s going to be doing TV and radio interviews about the campaign and Curt’s going to be playing in a city basketball championship next week, we’re told. I wonder how well they’ll be able to perform when they come down with an unexpected case of FEAR!!! I think that’s what we’re supposed to be worrying, anyway. But… I’m not. Lectures on vaguely-related scripture passages are a cure for everything if this show’s to be believed.

The chairman fixes each of them up with one of the first ever, brand new, super awesome CLEAN IS COOL CAMPAIGN BUTTONS!! Who wouldn’t want one? But of course we’re supposed to be thinking, “No! Don’t put those on! The bad guy made those, they‘re evil! Aaaaaaaaaagh! Why don’t you listen?!!” The chairman/principal gives the mike to Curt, who then gives it to Bibleman. “Sometimes being a leader can be a real challenge, but the Bible says in 1st Corinthians 10:13 that God will never give us more than we can bear.” Shut up! Shut the f*** UP! This isn’t about God, who I do love, it’s about saying no to drugs, and I‘m not aware of any commandments that say anything about that. And as I recall from Jesus Our Savior, you’re just the messenger, Bibleman. Don’t make this about you.

Dr. Fear is watching the event on his magic master villain viewer and turns down the volume to shut Bibleman up, something I’d like to do with a baseball bat. He gloats that they talk big now, but they won’t once he starts pushing their buttons. Ludicrous cuts in that buttons don’t make people feel fear, “you need cutting edge terror technology,” which sounds like the kind of thing that would have buttons you push on it. All this leads up to a hilarious Charles in Charge reference (specifically the “stupid” sidekick) that I got because I was alive in the 80’s, just like the people who were kids in 1999. Just to make it more insulting, Ludicrous grabs the remote and we hear a lyric of the CiC theme song before Dr. Fear regains command of the situation. As if the people who got the reference didn’t already get it, and the people who didn’t would get it because of that lyric, and still find it funny.

For some reason, Dr. Fear takes the TV off mute and we hear Bibleman donate one of those giant golf tournament checks for $10,000 dollars from the Miles Peterson Foundation to the Clean is Cool Campaign (something bothers me about Bibleman starting the round of applause for this monetary gift). I’m almost amazed he doesn’t drop some junk about it being from his “good friend” or something, but I do honestly wonder how Bibleman would explain having money to donate on behalf of a local millionaire. Has he pulled an Iron Man, where Miles claims to employ his superheroic identity? Then again, his identity isn’t a secret from his enemies, is it a secret from anyone? And how does this donation fit with the opening theme from later episodes, which claims Miles had “everything, money, power, fame… until he lost it!”? Not a lot of non-rich people have that kind of money to give to junior high social service activities all in one go or foundations set up in their name.

Coats and Bibleman step aside for a private chat and Coats wryly remarks it’s a shame Miles had to miss all the fun, so I suppose his identity is a secret from the general populace after all. Why them, and not the people who’d like to dine on his flesh? Coats goes on and asks Miles if maybe he could do a quick change in a phone booth. “Get thee behind me, Coats!” Miles laughingly replies. Whatever, Bible dude. “I’m not Superman, you know!” Damn right, and since they charge money for this movie, isn’t that copyright infringement? “Although John 15:5 does say that apart from God, I can do nothing, but kryptonite won’t faze me.” Make your own “if this is what they can do WITH God” joke.

Dr. Fear in his Office of the Damned gloats that kryptonite may not cripple Bibleman, but his nefarious Panic Button will. Ludicrous makes fun of tonight‘s Evil Invention, asking if he got it at “RadioBarn.” “This isn’t a cheap video prop! It’s a state of the art sinister device!“ Dr. Feat retorts. To the show‘s credit, Willie didn’t walk out to his car to get his garage door opener and have him pretend it was a fear beam like you might suspect of a show this cheap, they actually mocked up a remote control with buttons marked “Panic,” “Boos and Hisses” and “Evil.” Compare that to the level of effort that went into the next evil secret weapon; bags of gold glitter. “I got it from the lowest authority!” he finishes ranting. “Lowest? Oh, you mean LUCI!” Ludicrous replies. Because yes, the crew thought it was unfair for the good guys to be the only ones with an annoying talking computer, and LUCI appears in the villain’s camp as inexplicably as UNICE did.

LUCI (voice of Maylo Upton) pops up on an upside down monitor display (the letters stand for Link to Underhanded Computer Influences in case you care). She proves as adept at the sidekick diss as UNICE, saying she’s a digital link but Ludicrous is the missing link. Dr. Fear shuts them up (I just figured out who my favorite character is!), and says he was talking about DIRT. No, he doesn’t have two annoying talking computers, he means Demons Inventing Rotten Tricks, a collection of four suspiciously KISS-like fellows (oh, don’t act like you’re surprised finding out the kind of people who make Bibleman think KISS is evil) who appear amid flames on Dr. Fear‘s view screen. They burst into melodramatic laughter after every sentence, which gets annoying pretty fast, but they’re the bad guys, so we’re supposed to not like them, right?

“Okay, it’s time for our gratuitous explanation. Wanna tell the audience how the button works?” Dr. Fear asks DIRT. They launch into a typically unintelligible stream of scientific-sounding words. Just walk on by, just don’t even look back. Why bother with all this crap? I mean, the villain who uses it is named Dr. Fear, and it’s called the Panic Button. Are they afraid we’ll think it makes hot chocolate? Probably not, but it killed a minute of screen time, so why not? By the way, the purported point of the explanation was to convince Ludicrous that the Panic Button works. Maybe science jargon-sounding words have that effect on him.

Next scene, the Biblecave, where Miles walks in on Coats as he puts the finishing touches on his latest invention, a pair of bracelets that create a ripply force field between them. I think it’s fair of me to point out that this is not a new invention in any way, shape or form. He used it in the beginning of The Incredible Force of Joy already, and those are even the same bracelets he‘s wearing now. I guess they fought Captain Amnesia in between these episodes.

Anyway, Miles is about to head out to do one of those interviews we were promised (THRILL to the one-on-one question and answer sessions!). Coats asks if he’s nervous, and Miles replies maybe a little. See, even Bibleman gets scared. Like the Panic Button isn’t supposed to prove that too. Miles enters the chamber, and begins the Full Armor Sequence, yippee!

Waistbelt of Truth!
Breastplate of Righteousness!
Shield of Faith!
Helmet of Salvation!
And the Sword of the Spirit!

I love how you can see through the dry ice fog that Willie’s already wearing the whole suit early in the sequence, and is just waiting for them to complete the list and step out. “I’ll take the tunnel bike, track me!” the completed Bibleman orders. If you’ve got the most advanced computer in the world at your disposal, one with a mind of its own to boot, wouldn’t you set it up to just do that anyway? Also amusing is a moment when Bibleman looks over his shoulder while riding through his secret tunnel network. Did he think someone was trying to pass him?

A bit later Bibleman is sitting down with a teenaged girl asking him extremely typical questions like, “What if your friends do drugs?” And he replies with a passage from the book of Proverbs that “the fear of men will prove to be a snare.” Do you really need to memorize Bible passages to know that? Dr. Fear is watching again (and I think I have too much free time). He gripes that he’d rather watch Barney. So they’ve mentioned Charles in Charge, Superman, Giga-Pets, Barney, and later they take a shot at the Taco Bell Chihuahua. How did they not get sued? The girl cuts him off, citing the Bible was written ages ago, “What does it have to do with kids today? Besides, it was mostly written for adults, right?” Of course, the lessons of the Bible are supposedly timeless, as applicable now as they were when it was first written, and will be until you see the four horsemen galloping down your street. And “thou shalt not steal” applies to everyone, not just adults, as should be obvious. If the Bible does have any lessons about controlled substances, though, we must’ve skipped those when I was in Sunday School.

Dr. Fear lets fly with the Panic Button, which he can use if he’s just watching Bibleman on TV (!), and the Avenger of Evangelism suddenly stutters as he tries to convince his conversation partner of the universal applicability of the Bible. He utters a prayer and Dr. Fear loses his reception of the talk show. I can’t help but wonder if that’s because of the Power of the Lord Big B was invoking or the fact that this does appear to be a high school TV broadcast after all. Spontaneously cured of his bout of FEAR!!! (if that’s all Bibleman has to do to cope with the Panic Button it’s hard to worry about him not coming out on top), Bibleman brings up the story of Noah as a Biblical example of dealing with peer pressure, ending it thus, “The difference is, Noah listened to God, so when the flood came, guess what? All of his friends sank, Noah floated.” That’s all well and good, but as I’ve said, I’ve seen nothing to indicate God has a stance on drugs, and Bibleman is sure acting like He does. But I’m just going to drop it because the whole anti-drug thing was just them killing two birds with one stone by presenting a scary situation kids can easily relate to (peer pressure) and showing what a great role model Bibleman is for standing against drugs. Anybody who does would have to be a good role model, right?

Somewhat disheartened by Bibleman’s resilience, Ludicrous remarks they don’t make sinister devices the way they used to. What, no lame joke about how they should’ve gotten the extended warranty? DIRT appears on the view screen and confirms that the Bible verses ruined the reception on the Panic Button. Deciding to move on to a target a device with this weakness might conceivably affect, DIRT advises Dr. Fear to go after Curt instead. He switches channels to see Mr. Cooper at basketball practice, and gives him a fear zap. Curt misses two baskets in a row and gets discouraged, because if you start every day with a bowl of Kellog’s Frosted Flakes you’ll make every basket, right? Get real, Bible Crew. Even the best basketball players in the world don’t land every shot, and that we’re supposed to see that Curt’s succumbing to the forces of FEAR!! because he missed two is idiotic even for this show.

Coats (who’s apparently the basketball coach. What a guy!) is on hand to try to pep him. “Even Michael Jordan had his off days.” Exactly! Coats sends him home to get some rest. Maybe he should tell him to leave the Clean is Cool button in his locker, too. Yeah, yeah, Curt is the co-leader of the campaign, but when I played basketball in school they didn’t let you have any jewelry or pins or even wristwatches out on the court. Of course, then the Evil Plan wouldn’t work. Makes you think about just how lame this Evil Plot is if it would be foiled by Bibleman or Curt losing their button and getting another one.

Back to the cave, where Bibleman comes back in and notes that Coats’ “sunny disposition looks a little downcast.” Coats is worried about Curt, “He was off his game today, and he kept complaining that the gym was cold.” First, missing two baskets is being “off your game”? Coats, weren’t you the one saying even Michael Jordan had his off days and making it sound normal, which it is? And second, no he wasn’t. Curt didn’t complain about the temperature one single time. Bibleman remarks he felt a little chill during his interview too, and Coats spells things out for the morons they obviously thought they were peddling this to: “That’s all I need, both leaders of the Clean is Cool campaign down for the count.” Big B thinks Coats might be onto something, “If you were trying to wipe out an army, what would you do first?” Coats gets it, “Attack the leaders.” Would it be nitpicky of me to ask in what capacity Bibleman and Curt are leaders of the campaign? Because they never really clear that up. But anyway, obviously a sentient force is behind two people feeling a touch of fear on the same day in the same city, so Bibleman heads out to investigate the gym (and apparently not the place where he was interviewed). Dr. Fear cackles that he’ll be waiting for him.

At the darkened gym (is there some reason Bibleman didn’t turn on the lights? Yeah, it would ruin the creepy atmosphere) Bibleman finds salt crystals on the floor. He can tell just by looking? “How would these get in here?” He walks over to a drink cooler and finds more salt on top of that. Dr. Fear shows up for the first required-by-script pithy light saber battle with Our Hero. Bibleman komically asks if he used to be a different villain, setting up the following comic tour de force.

Bibleman: “For a guy who just reinvented himself you sure don’t fight any better.”
Dr. Fear: “Hey, you used to be on other shows and nobody’s making fun of you.”
Bibleman: “That’s because those shows were network, this is home video.”
Dr. Fear: “Oh, okay.”

The battle is about as slow and full of scripture as we’ve come to expect. Maybe the Lord hasn’t given us a sense of fear, but we have one anyway, Bibledope. What’s the point of all the scripture memorization if we don’t know what the hell it means? Isn’t the meaning of the passage more relevant than being able to recite its chapter and verse from memory? Guess not, shows what a horrible Christian I am. Dr. Fear gives the Bible-belcher a few fear zaps, but Our Hero is saved when the batteries die and the bad doctor promises to finish it another time.

All right then - remember in the "Fibbler" episode, how Bibleman was invoking the power of Jesus to exert control over the villain, and then never tried it again even though it was obviously working? What about now, where all he has to do is recite a quick Bible verse to get over his feelings of fear, but doesn’t? Yeah, he’s in the middle of a battle with a villain, but they’re always nice enough to stand there and wait for him to finish his scripture recitals before they attack him again. Dr. Fear will hardly prove the exception to this rule.

Cut to a Bibelog, sort of like the captain’s log sequences on Star Trek, but happening mid-episode where UNICE wastes running time and insults our intelligence reiterating things we already know. “Bibleman and Curt have been stricken by some outside feeling of unusual fear [HK: No crap lady, we saw the guy and know his name, and so did Bibleman, who got to sample his powers firsthand. Why so vague?]. As a leader of the Clean is Cool antidrug [HK: Yes, that’s written as one word] campaign, and captain of the basketball team, Curt’s confidence has been severely shaken [HK: Yeah, so much he missed two baskets! The horror, the horror!].” Time for more padding as the good guys try to get to the bottom of Dr. Fear’s power. Coats and UNICE are having more of their komedic dustups before Miles shuts them up. Miles says they need answers. Coats and UNICE are in agreement for once that what he needs is prayer. I say what he needs is someone who can tell him the script sucks without being afraid of hurting his feelings. We briefly cut to the villain pad for the mid-episode gloat, and LUCI boots up a file on Bibleman’s most deepest super-secret fear: he’s afraid of letting Coats down. How LUCI would know this, perhaps we’re better off not asking.

Coats checks in on Miles, asking if he’s come up with anything new (so what about prayer?). Miles remarks that the concentration in the salt crystals is unusually high (and green). Coats leaves so Miles can make an entry in his personal journal in UNICE‘s files, which, do you even need to ask, is conveyed to us by a resounding voice over. “I’ve been fighting my most difficult spiritual battle. I’m speaking softly because it’s much more dramatic. I’m supposed to be a leader, and yet I still continue to battle some of my deepest fears. My deepest fears… I’ve got to get control of them.” He nods off, and has a nightmare where he fails to save Coats and drops him down an elevator shaft. Because, you know, it’s a kids’ show and they can’t do anything graphic. Oh, and the crew liked dry ice fog waaaaay too much.

Next day, Steadman Jr. High. Curt is practicing on his own, and now’s he failed to make FIVE baskets! Oh no, does the terror of Dr. Fear know no bounds?! Bibleman tries to talk him out of his funk with more homespun wisdom: “You’re being attacked by fear because you’re a leader [HK: So nobody else has to worry about fear, then? Does it matter that I don’t remember Curt leading people or setting an example, or even evidence that he’s a good basketball player, ever, in this movie? Hello, informed attributes!]. The enemy wants to stop you [HK: No kidding, genius. That‘s what enemies are all about]. But you don’t have to listen to them.” Wow, no wonder people respect the name of Bibleman, huh? Bibleman unloads Phillipians 4:13, and Curt agrees to take another shot--and misses! Truly, there is no hope left for him now. “I’m quitting the team, and the Clean is Cool Campaign! Nobody listens to a loser!“ Blaaaaaah.

This is merely my theory, and lacking the resources or crew to make my own superhero movie I can’t say how it would bear out, but if I were calling the shots, I’d have the kid reach a destitute stage like this earlier, and then have another encounter or two between them and Our Hero so Bibleman could make some progress with the kid instead of getting through to the them to in the last few minutes just because there’s no time left for anything else to happen. I think my favorite part is where Coats asks what the heck just happened and a stunned Bibleman can only reply, “I don’t know, Coats. I only stopped by to encourage him!” Even though he knows the face of his enemy, their gimmick and that they’re after the leaders of the Clean is Cool Campaign. Yeah, what could possibly be wrong with Curt?!

Pursuing Curt into the hall (yes, they definitely like dry ice fog waaaay too much), faux Mexican trumpet music is heard, and Dr. Fear, dressed like a matador and affecting an atrocious Mexican accent intones, “Yo quiero Taco Smell! Welcome my brother!” Bibleman says he didn‘t know villains were so playful, and goes on, “2nd Samuel 22:3 says that the Lord is my rock, and my salvation, which means I don’t have to fear you.” I didn’t know villains dedicated to wiping out Christianity were so willing to listen to people vomit up lines from its book.

After a few slow and less then frenetic exchanges of blows, Ludicrious zaps “Biblebigshot” with the Panic Button and he collapses on the ground in agony, which come to think of it is how Bibleman plays out his reaction to being the victim of every evil weapon they’ve used so far, whether doubt, misery, or fear. Fortunately, Coats comes looking for Our Staunch Hero, and Dr. Fear’s Lighstsaber of Corruption is unable to penetrate his handily established force field. Rather than aim for his legs, Dr. Fear warns, “there’ll be enough time to deal with you later!” before making his exit. As Biblewuss climbs to his feet we see inserts of the “dropping Coats down the elevator shaft” scene so we can figure out that Bibleman has just encountered his worst fear, letting Coats down. “My worst fear just came true!” Bibleman exclaims just to confirm it, which with the patronizing way Coats is usually treated would have me think his real greatest fear is having to admit the black guy saved his life. “I need to be alone,” he moans, and we see an Ominous Close Up of more of those crystals on the ground.

That night, at the Biblecave, Coats is worried. “He said his worst fear came true, but he wouldn’t tell me what it was. I just wish I could get into that head of his [HK: Speak for yourself].” UNICE says Miles tells her everything, and they have another of their komedic exchanges about Miles being more willing to confide in “a bunch of computer hardware” (“AND software” UNICE acidly adds as if that changes everything), but not his “living, breathing best friend.” UNICE says that she’s programmed just to record. Coats undergoes a Lightbulb Moment and has UNICE boot up Miles journal (“just this once,” so we know he ordinarily wouldn‘t do this, you know, because he’s a good friend and he’s only prying because he’s really worried).

“Recurring nightmare… something about his deepest fear…” Coats ruminates vaguely while it says onscreen, “My Greatest Fear: I’ve been fighting a recurring fear of….letting Coats down” and “My fear is not being able to come and rescue him. What if he gets into trouble… What if I can’t help him…” I’m developing a fear of the crew not realizing the actors should have the same information as the people who design UNICE’s displays. Coats only realizes what Miles’ predicament is after a bit of reading, even though that was spelled out in the first frigging text box. Coats goes on that he needs to understand Miles’ nightmare better. Get it together you guys, the point of the nightmare was made perfectly clear in the text you showed us as well. Isn’t that what Coats has been looking at? You wouldn’t think so watching him in this scene. Coats has her play back the nightmare of Bibleman dropping him down the elevator shaft (why not, it‘ll kill some more running time), which I only bring up because I wonder how the hell UNICE would be able to do that. She can (and does) record his dreams? Eeewww… They must get their gear at the same store where Santa Claus shops.

Miles enters and realizes Coats knows his Secret Pain, but spells it out for us again anyway, remarking, “and it finally happened.” Wait a minute, how was Coats coming in and saving Bibleman’s sorry butt a realization of his greatest fear, of Coats getting into trouble he can’t save himself from and Bibleman not being able to help him? Coats handled himself pretty well in that scene (or as well as you need to for what are considered terrifying villains in the Bibleman universe). Miles adds, “Only this time, you had to save me,” but that sounds to me like the crew realized the scene actually didn’t reflect Miles’ purported fear of his friend paying the ultimate price because he couldn’t save him and rather than do it over, just covered their butts with that little line.

Coats shoots that down, predictably saying Coats didn’t save Bibleman, God saved them both. “Isaiah 41:10 doesn’t say ‘do not fear for Coats is with you,’ it doesn’t even say ‘do not fear for Bibleman is with you,’ it says ‘do not fear for I am with you.’ God. You said it yourself, you‘re not Superman.” And I said it myself, damn right. Even Superman has his limits, though. Having UNICE display a Sunday school quiz, Coats manages to make Miles smile, and he admits it feels like someone allowed his fear to “push the wrong buttons.” This turns out to be one of those random things somebody says that gives their buddy the clue that saves the day. Coats realizes the connection between Bibleman and Curt; they both wear Clean is Cool buttons.

Time for an unbelievable and time-wasting scientific explanation scene. Basically, the buttons have hidden receiving microchips that emit panic signals transmitted by the Panic Button, and this causes the victims to sweat, since “water is an excellent electrical conductor.” This leads Miles to finally make the connection between the ingredients of the crystals they found--water and salt, sweat.

All righty, so we’re to believe that the Panic Button makes its victims sweat so much, they leave salt crystals behind. That’s probably the dumbest thing Bibleman has ever asked me to swallow. For just one thing, neither Bibleman or Curt ever sheds a drop of sweat in the course of this whole movie, let alone excretes green salt crystals through their skin. And if they WERE sweating enough to leave salt around in the amounts we’ve seen with the amount of concentration we’ve been led to believe, even without anyone noticing, I have a feeling that a bout of fear would be the least of their problems; they’d be in intensive care in three minutes. And I might be the only one, but I’m thinking it was more the dehydration than the fear that was affecting Curt’s game.

[UnSub's Aside: If Curt really is sweating green stuff, it makes me think that he's one of these athletes who signs up for the kudos of being publicly anti-drug, but will turn out to be chemically enhanced after failing a drug test at some point. Of course, that would be an entirely different episode of "Bibleman", where Bibleman fights off Professor Steriods and in five minutes turns said athlete towards God with a couple of Scripture quotes. Anyway...]

“The whole thing was designed to blow our fears out of proportion!” Miles observes. Batman, I’m afraid you just lost your status as the World’s Greatest Detective. “One of God’s greatest works says that perfect love casts out all fear, 1st John 4:18,” he goes on, not to mention understanding how the villain’s weapon works, which shouldn’t be how the heroes get fixed of their spiritual troubles in a show like this but always seems to be that way. “Now if we can just get Curt to see that.” Coats Has An Idea, but we don’t find out what it is. By the way, during this scene there’s a shot with these two weird flickering strips of color across the screen like something happened to the celluloid, both in my standalone Dr. Fear DVD and the one from the Bibleman Legacy Set that I was working off of, which is supposed to showcase all the best stuff Bibleman has to offer. Encouraging, isn’t it?

Steadman Jr. High, next day. “I’ve really blown it this time, I‘ve let everybody down,” Curt says as he walks through the halls sandwiched by Bibleman and Coats. Yeah kid, you sure did. It’s all your fault that you lost your confidence because some Satanic cyborg used a high-tech gimcrack invented by demons on you to warp your feelings. Really, how the hell are you supposed to learn anything about dealing with fear/rage/misery/temptation from a series that inflicts problems on its characters this way?

“You know Curt, that’s exactly what the apostle Peter thought. He was a leader too, but he got scared, and he thought it was over. But instead, God made him the greatest leader ever. Paul says in 2nd Corinthians 12:9 that God’s strength is made perfect in our weakness.” It’s all so clear now. They give Curt a new Clean is Cool button, tell him they modified them a little, and tell him to do his best at the Big Game and let God handle the rest. Coats also tells him they’ll see him at the rally after the game, but we won’t, so I don’t understand why they’d have him point that out. Then again, I guess I don’t understand anything, which is why I’m criticizing and mocking this episode… out of FEAR!!

Anyway, Curt is another miracle case for the Last Minute Revelation Cure so Bibleman and Coats are free to go have their wrap-up sword fight with Dr. Fear. Yes, it’s really that simple. Bibleman turns to Coats and asks, “Ready?” and his sidekick replies in the affirmative, then the next second they’re back in the gym about to cross swords with the villain. Why he’d be there, and how they’d know he’d be there spoiling for their final battle, are questions only having two minutes of running time left will quickly make a bad director forget about. They whack light sabers, Bibleman says some scripture, and Dr. Fear brings out the Panic Button again. The bulb on the end flares but nothing else happens, because, you know, his button isn’t the receiver now so Bibleman is immune. I mean, his love of God protects him from the evil clutch of FEAR!!

There’s some not-comedy where Bibleman stands there as Dr. Fear tries to clean the projector and hold it an angle to make it work, before Coats finally decides to enter. Where was he? “Those don’t work on us anymore, but they will work on you!” And why’s that, oh Knowing Coats? Coats whips up his force field as Dr. Fear tries the Panic Button on him, even though he obviously isn’t wearing a Clean is Cool button of any sort, let alone one that makes the Panic Button work, and even though the bad doctor knows that‘s a force field he‘s shooting at. Desperate running times call for desperate measures. For some reason a beam actually shoots out this time, but the force field bounces it back and disintegrates Dr. F. Another victory for the home team.

Biblecave, three days later. Miles congratulates Coats on the Steadman team winning the Big Game, and Coats says that “everybody’s fired up about the Clean is Cool campaign” (do people attached to campaigns really mention its full name every time it’s brought up, especially to people attached to the same campaign?), and other kids are even asking Curt if God can help them with their fears. UNICE tries to take credit for that, which would really bother me if I was crusading for God’s Way like Bibleman is. Isn’t egomania basically Pride, which is a Deadly Sin? Hell, it’s the theme of one of Luxor’s other incarnations. I wouldn’t think that was a good sign from my sentient supercomputer. Coats gets on her case and she agrees to settle it once and for all with him if he can answer one question: “What Bibleman sidekick has trouble giving credit where it’s due? HINT: His mouth is bigger than his head.”

“Oh no, wait a minute, wait a minute! My head is way bigger!” “I concur,” UNICE replies. Miles wisely excuses himself from the cave before these two dummies can drag him into it. Having been trounced by the computer once and for all, Coats leaves Bibleman’s service, perhaps giving the crew pause to reflect that just maybe, God’s colored children aren’t there to play comedy relief to the rest of us.

Naaaaaaah.

Bibleman is an original creation, so has no direct comic-related source. How well it shows the teachings of the Bible... well, that's up for you to decide.

There’s too much going on, yet not enough of what should.

People sweating salt crystals with no one noticing! A spontaneous climactic battle! Bibleman’s worst fear realizing itself when it doesn’t even happen! A bit less idiotic than "Bibleman: The Incredible Force of Joy", but in the way that makes you groan instead of the way that makes you laugh.

Date of review: 06 December 2005