Bibleman: The Incredible Force of Joy

Review by Heckler King

Shadow of Doubt returns as an even goofier menace to steal the joy of the entire city… with help from Bibleman’s own mainframe!

Miles Peterson aka Bibleman (Willie Aames)
Coats (Marc Wayne)
Luxor Spawndroth aka Master of Misery (Brian Lemmons)
Ludicrous (Andrew Hicks)
UNICE (Maylo McCaslin)

Year: 2000
Censorship Rating: Not rated, but aimed at a family audience

A caption establishes a bunch of thing as the prologue begins. Time: 22:41 hours. Location: 120 degrees NE of Schatzville, OR (after co-executive produce Michael Schatz). Bible Alarm: Response in progress. Whoa, starting off with a bang here, huh?! Coats is sneaking along in a basement, and then pauses to whisper into a communicator bracelet thingy, “Bibleman, I thought you said you had a trace on this guy!” “What can I say? I told you, he’s an evil creep,” Man of Bible replies as incoherently as ever. “Well I’m just waitin’ on you, man. I’m fine as long as you got my back.” NO, Coats. You’re fine as long as GOD has your back. Don’t you know anything? Or more appropriately, do the writers? That’s the kind of stuff they’re trying to teach us all the time.

Showing that Bibleman doesn’t have his back, a figure standing on a walkway above Coats begins blasting at him with a laser gun. “How did you know where to find me?!” “Let’s just say I’ve got friends in…low places!” The villain, a guy in a Grim Reaper-style robe and cowl with green make up on replies. That, and he heard Coats talking on his communicator and looked down. He takes another shot, which Coats repels with a force field from his bracelets. “Bibleman, I’m still waitin’ on you, bro!” Coats says into his communicator thing.

We see a stuntman in the Bibleman costume perform some acrobatic flips, and the villain defiantly yells, “Come and get me, Caped Christian!” and when he does you can see where the make up ends on his neck. Great job, guys. Bibleman then drops off a ledge while the villain shoots like a Stormtrooper at him before landing on the same level as the other two combatants. “Mind if I drop in?” asks Our Hero in an Extreme Close-Up. Yes, I do, but I suppose there’s no way we‘d get through this without seeing him. Thanks to the Extreme Close-Up, we can see Bibleman has a new, but equally purple, superhero costume. To tell the truth, it’s a bit intimidating, which probably explains why it was only worn in two episodes.

“Took your time, where you been?” Coats asks rather irritated, which is something I‘d concern myself with if a villain with a laser rifle was standing four feet away from me too. Bibleman jerks his head to the side a couple times, but Coats doesn‘t get it. “I was in the little superheroes’ room,” Bibleman finally admits. That might just be the lamest attempt at humor Bibleman the series has served up yet. Besides its not-humor value, it’s also got plenty of crime fighting incompetence value. Can you imagine the outcry if Captain America let Red Skull get away with the plans for the apocalypse bomb because he stopped to take a leak? The other Avengers wouldn’t even wait to tell him he was fired before they chucked him in the dumpster. I bet the first lesson Batman taught Robin was “always go before you leave the Batcave.” Hmmm, we haven’t even gotten to the theme song and already I’m ranting. This is probably gonna be a good one.

Anyhow, the… witty repartee ends and Coats gets a bead on the Satanic guy with his LED pointers. I mean, laser beams of The Lord. This makes him explode, and the two zeroes remark that this is the third emergency in a week. Could they maybe spare some time to tell us what this guy was doing? Unless running around a basement in a cheap Halloween costume is a crime punishable by execution in Oregon. Come on, they didn’t even pull their usual thing where they have the bad guy get killed as a result of his own evil backfiring. And why was Coats waiting for Bibleman? Big B didn’t do a thing to take out the bad guy.

We cut to the back of a throne somewhere and only see a person‘s right arm, like the villain in Inspector Gadget, and its occupant laughs that the busier Bibleman is out there, the busier he is down here. I think they’re implying that he’s Satan himself, but I doubt a few thousand volts would take out a fallen angel. Then again, maybe he never gets out of his basement. That would explain how pale he is. Then we see a shot of a decrepit cathedral, which you wouldn’t think is the kind of place a villain who works for Satan would hide out, but what do I know? The most despicable thing I’ve ever done is make fun of these stupid moralistic superhero shows. It’s probably not even where he is, what with the competence we’ll see on with establishing shots in this episode.

The retelling of Bibleman’s secret origin begins, and we then are treated to the brand new Bibleman rock and roll theme song, replacing the one that sounded more at home on a PBS kids’ show than one about a superhero who battles the forces of Hell itself. The credits that run over it tell us that Bill Murphy played “The Yuck Yuck Man.” The only guy that could be is the goofus in the cowl they took out. This isn’t the only time somebody is listed in the credits under a name they only had in the script. In “Divided We Fall” I recall the Hell’s Angel they fought in the danger room was called something like the “holographic dimbot” in the credits. Note to film producers everywhere: It’s not a sign of good production quality when you have to identify a character by process of elimination in the credits.

Time: 10:45 hours, location: Steadman Jr. High School. If I’m not much mistaken, we’ll be meeting today’s Innocent Victim of Satanic Mad Science here. Indeed, this worthy proves to be Michael, who is yelling at a friend about a stupid party. Hilariously, you can see the two of them wildly miming their argument for a couple seconds before there’s an off-screen cue for them to start yelling at each other. Michael almost literally bumps into one of his teachers, who comments on his attitude. Apparently that’s not the only thing, his attendance and grades are going down too. He tells her “everything’s cool” and there’s “no need to call the Attitude Police or anything.” His lines still sound scripted, but less so than they did in say, "Back to School". His teacher doesn’t seem entirely convinced.

Eaglegate manor, 10:57 hours. UNICE is messing with Coats because he’s the goofy minority sidekick. Problem: before the opening credits, the establishing text said it was 22-something hours, meaning they use the twenty-four hour time telling system the military does. That would make the time in this scene close to 11 am. So why was it pitch black outside in the establishing shot?

In the Biblecave, UNICE is playing hot-cold with Coats as he looks for his keys. I don’t think they actually decided where his keys were hidden, since he’s “warm” on the right side of the room, “freezing cold” when he gets to the middle, and then “warm again” when he walks to the left side of the room. Coats protests this childish treatment, but UNICE explains it will “help your skills of observation and deduction.” Not to mention generate some extremely cheap laughs and make fun of the show’s sole minority character. How can you lose? “All right you two, knock it off. I’m not in the mood today,” Miles says as he enters shot. Hey, what about me, Champion of the People? I’m not in the mood EVER.

Coats asks what’s up with Miles’ dour mood. “Just one of those days, I guess,” he replies, but Coats knows how the show works. “Come on man, it’s gotta be more than that.” Miles replies he’s afraid there’s more work out there than one Bibleman can handle. Yes, I’m sure the Devil has Oregon at the top of his list of places to establish a foothold on Earth. Miles asks if Coats thinks he’s getting too old for crime fighting. If you’re getting worn out after your third call in a week? Quite likely. I bet Batman gets three calls an hour, and that’s without Gothamites wasting his time with the kind of innocuous stuff Bibleman’s about to get a plea for aid over.

The message I just mentioned is from the teacher we saw before, Ms. Kendall. She reports to them about Michael. “It’s as though there’s a cloud hanging over him. His grades are falling and his mood is very dark. We’re having a big science fair this weekend. I would hate for Michael to miss it, he was such a gifted student in that area. I feel very uneasy, I can’t explain it. Could you help?” This message, by the way, was marked with a priority of “high” in big red letters. This is exactly what I was talking about in the "Bibleman: Jesus Our Savior" review. There’s a teenager in a bit of a funk and immediately someone close to him thinks it has to be turned over to Bibleman. I have an idea, how about not wasting the local superhero’s time and calling a counselor? The Toxin Squad are about to poison the reservoir? Screw that, there’s a depressed kid out there! Look production team, it’s fine having a hero who stands up for the little guy, but if people are supposed to trust in God, not Bibleman, then they shouldn’t be calling him in over something as ordinary as a bout of depression. “Help me, Bibleman! My library books are two days late and I spilled ketchup on my shirt at lunch! Auuuugh!” And could we possibly get confirmation that Michael is a Christian? Because otherwise… well, I’m not quite sure what that would say about a teacher at a public school, but it can’t be anything good.

UNICE disses Coats again, and he threatens to “disconnect you and turn you into an egg timer!” Miles says it’s funny he should say that, disconnect, because he’s finally finished a remote satellite that will allow UNICE to work in the field for them. This is after Coats goes off on a komical tirade about how “disconnect” isn’t a funny word, “kumquat” is. Because he’s the goofy minority sidekick. Just wanted to make sure this complex comic tour de force didn’t go over your head. They try it out, and a floating CGI Christmas ornament appears from a box on the side of the room. Great, now UNICE can annoy us in scenes where they aren’t in the Biblecave too!

We cut to the Dr. Claw-wannabe fellow in his secret lair--the menace formerly known as Shadow of Doubt, learn his new name is the Master of Misery (Brian Lemmons again), and that he wants to steal the joy from everyone’s hearts and take over the world. Ludicrous (Andrew Hicks), who’s gone from the poster boy for the effects of Nyquil to a big-haired surfer dude - because if anyone‘s Satan‘s pawns, it‘s surfers, right? - enters and asks if MoM changed his name because he got fired again. Again? When did he get fired the first time? Master of Misery replies he was given this part because Cartman was unavailable (I think he said Cartman, it sounds more like Carmen, actually). Ludicrous says maybe they should have gotten William Shatner, because nobody likes him either. I bet a lot of five year old Sunday school kids thought this was funny, but I didn’t.

Moving on to something relevant, MoM says that they’ll use Bibleman’s “superior communications” and “unlimited power grid” to amplify the power of his secret weapon, the Anti-Joy Transmitifyer, to make his evil dream a reality. You know, it’s kind of lame when you give the heroes all the advantages. And exactly what set up does Bibleman have that gives him an “unlimited” power grid? Something that’s hooked up directly to heaven and draws directly on God’s fantabulousness to run UNICE and his armor?

Back to the Biblecave, two days later, and the time is 02:33 hours, but the sun is high in the sky. Seems like someone knew they were getting fired and decided to have the last laugh. In a Bibelogue (spelled Bible-Log at this point for some reason), UNICE reiterates the situation with Michael, “Michael’s joy seems to have vanished [HK: No crap, lady] and his science project is in danger.” Oh no, not his science project! She adds that Miles has decided to run a “covert biological scan” on him. That’s right, Bibleman is going to spy on a teenage boy. Note to production team: having your role model superhero spy on kids makes them creepy, not inspirational.

Coats, sitting at a terminal, asks, “How we doin’?” and Miles explains that he sent UNICE to run some scans on Michael. Damn it, she just told us that! There’s repetition, and then there’s treating people like idiots. UNICE’s satellite floats through the halls of the school and Miles warns her not to be seen, because it wouldn’t be right for a role model to ask for someone’s cooperation when trying to help them, would it? This goes on for a while, but UNICE eventually scans Michael and heads home. Miles proposes some lunch. “How about a liver and anchovy pizza?” Coats suggests. “You’re in serious need of counseling,” replies the grown man who spies on kids and dresses up in tights. Observing that the Biblecave will soon be empty on his Magic Mirror of Malevolence, the MoM tells Ludicrous it’s time to tunnel into Bibleman’s hideout.

Next scene, UNICE is fruitlessly sounding an intruder alert as MoM hooks his device up to her system. Hearing Miles and Coats coming back, the bad guys run for their lives, complete with Hanna Barbera sound effects. So these guys were able to dig their way into the Biblecave and hook up their gizmo in the time it took Miles and Coats to go out, have lunch, and get back? Did they take the Biblejet to Italy for lunch and then have a leisurely stroll to walk off their meal around the entire border of the country, and then stop in to say hi and play eighteen holes with Superpope before heading back? To be fair, MoM told Ludicrous to get the shovels two days ago, so maybe they‘ve been working at it since then, but when he saw Miles and Coats leaving he made it sound like they were just getting started then. I’ll say it again, if you’re trying to teach lessons applicable in the real world, you should try to work some amount of realism into your presentation.

And, this is just me, but if I were an evil villain and had snuck into my archenemy’s secret hideout, first thing I’d do is booby trap the door so they’d die when they tried to enter. Then it wouldn’t matter how long he took to get back. Making the scene a minute later, Miles asks Coats if something seems different. Probably not the DOORWAY-SIZED HOLE UNDER THE STAIRS that both of their gazes clearly pass over. Oh, and good thing neither of them turns and sees the window reading “Anti-Joy Installation” on a monitor. Way to cover your tracks, Misery dude.

Before I let this go, let me say great security, guys. Don’t they have some kind of receiving gizmo to let them know if there’s an intruder in the Biblecave? They’re the kinds of superheroes whose enemies know their identities and where their secret hideout is after all. They evidently didn’t come rushing back because of the intruder alert. What’s the point of an intruder detection system if you have to be there to know about it?

There’s an establishing shot of the mansion, that the location is the Biblecave beneath Eaglegate manor, the time 13:42. What the hell for? We were in the Biblecave last scene, weren’t we? Do they have to establish the location for the current scene, if it’s the location of the previous scene? UNICE says she feels different, but rather than run a diagnostic to make sure his supercomputer hasn’t been compromised (again, wise man sees trouble coming, avoids it, right? I guess Miles isn‘t wise), Miles just scans the results of her analysis of Michael. Running a test on the results of Michael’s scan, they find out that some outside force is behind his depression (well DUH! This is Bibleman!), and that its effect on him is reaching the point where it will kill him. Seriously, they say it’s approaching a lethal level. So, wait a second. Was it approaching lethal level when UNICE took the scan, or can they somehow tell it’s reaching lethal levels now? Whatever the answer is, it’s obviously pretty serious as alarm lights begin flashing and the camera starts to shake like there’s an earthquake or something. You know, the threat of Michael’s death is immediately dropped after this scene. Huh?

Rather than catching Michael and bringing him in to try to find some kind of cure or way to shield him, after all, they already spied on him and scanned his vital signs without his knowledge, Miles armors up (we see him using the chamber this time) and heads to the school on the off-chance that he’ll find something there. I guess. I wish they’d give some idea of what Bibleman plans to do when he gets there.

Bibleman heads out on the “tunnel bike,” and rides through a tunnel in what the producers though would be a cool-looking shot. Next scene, the school, 14:40 hours, same day (yeah I hope so!). I hope for Michael’s sake it’s going to take a while for him to get to the point of lethality if it takes Bibleman an hour to get there without any idea of what he‘ll do to save the kid. We briefly see Ms. Kendall trying to pep him up again without much success while MoM and Ludicrous look on. Passing period quickly over in the next shot, Bibleman confronts the two evildoers and reiterates the Cartman/William Shatner joke which was so funny the first time. Probably the only thing more pathetic than what the writers think is funny is that they think their jokes are funny enough to be used multiple times. MoM hands off his depression ray to Ludicrous so he can cross swords with Bibleman. Hey, how about shooting BIBLEMAN with that thing, if it can make people so miserable they die?

Showing that maybe Ludicrous should be in charge, he asks after a little bit if he should, you know, use the depression ray on the superhero actively trying to stop them instead of just some random kid. By the way, how can they have it here, if it’s hooked up to Bibleman’s systems back in the cave? “Of course you should use it, Ludicrous! Shoot him in the back! Shoot the Bible-creep in the BACK!” And loudly TELEGRAPH everything we’re going to do so he can be ready for it! As on the ball as they are, Bibleman lets himself take a misery blast. For some reason, Ludicrous announces, “Misery 1, Bible 0, and the fans are loving it!” even though Bibleman seems more or less totally unaffected by the misery blast and fully capable of continuing the fight. He quotes some more scripture at the MoM, which I’ve never understood with the totally unsympathetic way the series treats its villains.

Is Bibleman hoping that reciting all this scripture to them might get them to realize the error of their ways or something? Then might he not offer up prayers on their behalf or give them a chance to turn aside from their sinful ways before taking a light saber to them? This is probably the most problematic aspect of using the superhero genre to try to reach kids, what with how Bibleman’s always saying God loves the troubled kid and forgives their sins even when they go astray, but then turns around and tries to disembowel the villain with a lightsaber and tells them all the horrible things people them have to look forward to in God’s mercy. You can’t have it both ways, guys. After a while MoM and Ludicrous head out.

16:29, MoM’s hideout. Ludicrous is telling his boss how cool the hideout is, with the echoes and everything, which leads to a Neverending Story joke that really made me think they didn‘t want me to watch this movie. MoM shuts him up, saying the misery beam needs more power. You already hooked it up to Bibleman’s “unlimited” power grid, dope. How much more power could you need? Ignoring this question, he starts to sing a song about how joy is overrated, with some of his leftover Acme Instant Minions-Just Add Evil playing a back up band. I don’t know why all the people who make children’s videos think they need to include songs, but hey, whatever you gotta do to keep the villains from looking like a menace, am I right?

Back in the Biblecave, UNICE asks Bibleman to describe exactly what happened when he was shot by the Master of Misery’s beam. Maybe she should ask how they know his new name since that sword fight was their first encounter and it wasn’t spoken one time during the proceedings. I’m not going to explain it because we already know what it does. Suffice it to say, Miles says that the kind of trouble this guy creates, he can’t use it on just one person at a time, even though that’s exactly what he’s been doing up to this point. I think he means that if MoM really wanted to cause trouble he’d need to work his misery on a larger scale, although all the villains Bibleman has fought, even this guy back when he was Shadow of Doubt, only picked on a few people at most and that was still treated like a big crisis. This thinking in terms of the big picture comes out of nowhere. But they’re right, so I’m just going along with it. They figure that the Master will try to use his device on a large gathering of people like, like… a science fair! Yeah, those get the whole town to come out to them, don’t they? Come on guys, at least make it a football game or something. Hundreds of people attending a science fair? You’re not even trying.

We see the school marquee next, reading simply, “SCIENCE FAIR.” Not the date or time it starts. We then see Bibleman and Coats inside, and just as they predicted, there are tons of people there. Twenty or thirty, even. They find Michael, and deliver unto him a lecture that is fairly stirring, but doesn’t seem that applicable when you consider his misery coming from a Satanic gadget. Suddenly it’s back to the Biblecave, where MoM is back and fiddling around with UNICE some more for some reason. She sends out an intruder alert, code blue. What with how well their time-telling skills work, I’m not surprised the writers don’t know what “code blue” means either. And since it isn’t convenient for the plot for Bibleman and Coats not to get the alert this time, they receive it and realize they’ve been set up. “UNICE couldn’t locate the source of the signal because UNICE was the source of the signal!” Huh?! When did UNICE actually send out a misery beam? And what is the MoM doing back in the Biblecave? Didn’t he already hook up his beam to UNICE and Bibleman’s power supply? Why would he…arggh! This doesn’t make a bit of sense!

Because they couldn’t afford any other villains for the sidekick to fight this time, I mean, because “he must have somebody on this side working it out” (even if we buy that, what makes you think you’ll find them here, after you just deduced that MoM doesn’t give a toss about this science fair?), Coats stays behind while Bibleman heads back to the cave to confront the MoM. The villain gloats the Bibleman is too late and that soon he’ll have sent out a signal to steal the joy of the entire city… with the help of Bibleman’s own computer. Locking swords with the villain, Big B orders her to, “Override! Activate program alpha! Deploy satellite!” He orders her to find the machine sending out the misery beam and deactivate it, and then tells MoM that he can never steal the joy from people’s hearts, it’s a gift from God, despite the fact that MoM has been doing exactly that, and I again fail to see how reading scripture protects one from the effects of a mad scientist’s device. Not even seeming to hear him, MoM replies that with no joy the door is open for all his friends to come through. Greed, hatred, all the other sins. So… this guy is the incarnation of Misery itself, then? Okay, how the hell does that work? Because he himself goes on to embody several other sins (like Fear, Wrath, and Pride) and is evidently supposed to be the same character in all of his incarnations. Is he a normal human who channels those evil forces? Is he a demon? Why am I even asking?

Soon UNICE warns them about an incoming “reversal overload,” whatever that means, and says, “I’d leave if I were you.” “I’ve never been so close to my dream of conquering the world!” MoM retorts. Or a town in Oregon. Same thing, right? Because of his hubris, a beam shoots out of the satellite’s container and blows him up. “UNICE, are you okay?!” asks Bibleman, which she unfortunately is, despite just having a power surge big enough to shoot electricity out and fry a guy from across the room. I don’t know, I think that would probably do a fair amount of damage to her too, but I suppose they didn’t want us to have to worry about such a… *choke*… beloved character as UNICE. Not that I’d be worried even if I was watching this in order, what with how big an investment the Biblecave set is for a show like this. In the next scene, Bibleman rejoins Coats at the science fair, remarking that it seems like a much happier event, even though only Michael seemed depressed at all before. Bibleman remarks that Coats did a good job doing nothing and then goes over to finish his pep talk to Michael. He whips out John 16:33, where Jesus says, “Take heart, for I have conquered the world.” That’s great for him, but he’s the son of God, and the rest of us aren’t. Michael is reached by this quote, and everything will be rainbows and bunnies for him from now on.

Back to the Biblecave for the wrap up, where Ms. Kendall sends a message that Michael is feeling a lot better. He’s even patched things up with his mom and they’re going to church together now, issues we never heard about until they were resolved. Nice going, Pamplin. Coats is relieved because he thought he was going to have be sidekick with “Grumpyman” forever, even though Miles being depressed was something we saw only slightly more of than Michael having trouble with his mom. Miles says it’s easy to forget about our joys, but the trick is to count our blessings. He has God in his heart, a great job (what? Dressing up in spandex and spying on kids is his job?), and friends all around him. All one of them. Just then they get another alert, Gluttony has escaped into sector 5 (and more great quality control, because it just says “Glutton” on UNICE’s screen). Miles makes to armor up and says he’ll take the tunnel bike. Coats asks when he gets a tunnel bike, or a ten-speed, or anything. That’s a good point. If Miles gets the only tunnel bike, how does Coats get anywhere, and what kind of salvation outfit is this that gives the main white guy a bitchin’ motorcycle and makes the black guy walk? Bibleman, as role models go, you’re a terrific bad influence.

Bibleman is an original creation, so has no direct comic-related source. How well it shows the teachings of the Bible... well, that's up for you to decide.

They’re really trying, I can tell. The thing is, they’re not trying to make a movie that’s smooth and easy to follow. Master of Misery breaking in to hook up his depression ray to Bibleman’s system not once but twice, the amazing inverted establishing shots, the reception of the Biblecave burglar alarm depending entirely on plot convenience, and Bibleman congratulating Coats for making no contribution whatsoever… it’s The Incredible Force of Confusion.

What DOES work right in this movie? Our big role model hiding his involvement from Michael even when the teen’s in danger of dying has to be worth at least one point, and it being midnight at 11 in the morning, Master of Misery’s unexplained return to the cave, and other little things add up to a grand total of four for The Incredible Force Joy. Get me some crackers for all this cheese!

Date of review: 06 December 2005