Bibleman: Shattering the Prince of Pride

It’s almost time for the debut of the Bibleman newspaper comic, which will carry the Word of God from coast to coast! The Prince of Pride has other plans, however, and his pride-enhancing laser gun threatens Bibleman and the comic’s illustrator with a case of egomania that could tear the whole thing apart and somehow destroy Bibleman forever in the process!

Miles Peterson aka Bibleman (Willie Aames)
Cypher (Brady Williams)
Luxor Spawndroth aka The Prince of Pride (Brian Lemmons)
Ludicrous (Bret Harrison)
UNICE (Maylo Upton)
LUCI (Maylo Upton)
Stephen Phillips (Aaron Ratliff)
Tyler (?)

Year: 2000
Censorship Rating: Not rated, but aimed at a family audience

How not to get on a reviewer’s good side before the project even begins: When I checked the cast biographies on the DVD, I found no way to go back to the main menu. Using the “disc menu” and “return” buttons did nothing. I kept flipping back and forth between Willie Aames or Brian Lemmons’ biography and their character’s profile until I ejected the DVD to start over.

They make to grab us right away by starting off with, in their own words, an “attention-grabbing action scene.” Bibleman has finally caught up with the evil storm troopers we met in “Conquering the Wrath of Rage” and (less than frantically) pursues them into a basement, but they quickly gain the upper hand and force him back against the stairs with their blasts, where he crouches and bats away their lasers with his sword.

He calls out to UNICE, telling her to “activate faith shield.” Doesn’t he already have his own? This is possible because she’s there in her mobile spaceship thingy, reconfigured to look like a slightly less cheesy flying saucer. She creates a spherical force field around Bibleman while remaining outside it herself, but that’s okay because the storm troopers don’t think to change targets to the satellite shielding Our Hero. As you’ve probably come to expect by now, Bibleman ricochets the villains’ shots back, making them melt into puddles of goo.

UNICE remarks that this little debacle would make a great story for the new Bibleman comic strip, and goes on that she thought it was fun. Bibleman (gently) reprimands her that it’s not about having fun, it’s about doing God’s work [UnSub's aside: and also not about revealing how Bibleman got saved by a flying globe... again]. Why is he telling this to someone whose behavior is programmed, and not to his flesh and blood sidekick who has to expend his own effort to understand this is about doing the will of a higher being, not getting their own jollies? He let Cypher get away with thinking this is a game more than once in “Conquering the Wrath of Rage”.

Cut to the sewer, where our villain is observing the proceedings. It’s Luxor once again, this time decked out in a safari jacket over subdued gold armor plating as the Perfidious Prince of Pride. “Bet you think you’re humble, doncha?” he asks Bibleman’s visage in his hologram viewer. Yep, nothing says “humility” like putting your Face of Salvation on everything from action figures to t-shirts to party napkins. After an over-the-top monologue about how he’s too cool for his own good, Prince vows he’ll bring Bibleman down.

We’re all holding our breath.

At the Biblecave that night, Cypher is upset that he missed the action-packed battle sequence. “I should’ve been there!” he kicks himself. “You can only be one place at a time, Cypher! Besides, the boys’ club needs you too,” Big B tries to calm him. He neglects to say that Cypher probably would’ve gotten killed if he had been there. I know there are people out there who wonder how I can be so critical of something meant for kids, but come on. Cypher’s supposed to be the brains of the outfit. Is he so cocky he doesn’t spare a bit of all that brainpower he’s supposed to have thinking of what he’d actually do if he had been there, with nothing but a pair of camouflage pants and a couple of admittedly neat vision powers to protect him? He got really psyched up when they went to take on El Furioso, but did he actually do anything to help beat the bad guy? My final answer’s “no,” Regis. I‘m perplexed by the time frame, too. The caption said it 23:30 hrs when Bibleman fought the storm troopers. What kind of boys’ club is still open at 11:30 p.m.? If that’s not weird enough, his little two minute scrap apparently lasted half an hour, as it was 24:00 when we cut to the sewer lair.

UNICE reassures Cypher that Bibleman was in good hands, causing another of the show’s lame and decidedly not funny computer vs sidekick arguments to begin. By the way, the crew thought the computers needed more screen time than they‘d been getting, so buckle your seatbelt and make sure your helmet’s on tight as we head over to the villain pad.

LUCI, who’s watching this little spat, says computers deserve more credit. After all, it was she who got Luxor “this great villain gig.” Fighting Bibleman is a great gig? Sounds like the characters aren’t the only ones who have to work on the pride thing. He says his good looks and incredibly evil resume got him this job, but LUCI says his resume is a joke, and goes on to say that he got it because she deleted all other applications. I think this was supposed to be funny, but there’s this vital element that’s missing from the joke called “context.” Does Satan have an online job board that says, “Need goofy demon to battle spandex-obsessed Christian role model figure. Must start immediately. Must be able to put up with smell of sewage and obnoxious computer with Brooklyn accent. Send resume and salary requirements to blzlbub74@hothothotmail.com“? Is taking on Bibleman a sought-after position among the denizens of the underworld? And given the usual quality of Biblefoes, does even Luxor need to worry about competition more able than himself? For crying out loud, we’re talking about the job the Wacky Protestor is going to inherit. That guy makes Luxor look like Dr. Doom.

LUCI says PoP should take her with to a press conference announcing the Bibleman comic strip, but he haughtily replies, “Whatta ya wanna do, wreck my image?!” I know he’s the Prince of Pride, but seriously, wake up and smell the coffee Princey. You’re BIBLEMAN’s archenemy. Black Manta has a bigger rep than you. PoP vows to destroy Bibleman, and there’s a lot of maniacal laughing. PoP gets so caught up in the villainous mirth he totally loses it, ranting how no matter hard they try Bibleman always kicks their butts. A caption pops up and says this wasn’t in the script, which proves about as funny as the job application thing.

The next day, Miles gets ready to go to that press conference we heard about, and gets zapped into his armor for the occasion with his ultra-cool theme music playing the whole time. “This is what I call dressing for success,” Cypher wryly notes. What’s actually humorous is you can see that he’s wearing parts of his armor before they get to those parts. Completed, Bibleman steps out and asks Cypher if he looks okay. Because you see, even Bibleman with his “unyielding faith” can be tempted.

Next scene, Bibleman is at the Schatzville Gazette (this is the same building they say is the Family Church in “A Fight for Faith“) at the press conference. See what I meant in the “... Wrath of Rage” review, about them pumping you up for action and then having Bibleman do something completely sedate? The editor announces the launch of the Bibleman comic strip. “Premiering worldwide in Sunday’s edition,” he finishes with a smile. Wow, the local paper of this little Oregon city must have one hell of a circulation. The editor also welcomes their guests of honor, Bibleman, and young Stephen Phillips (Aaron Ratliff), the strip’s artist who will be our subject of Satanic mind-warping.

[UnSub's aside: I'd like to point out that this must be the slowest news day on earth if a newspaper is seriously providing press cover to its own launch of a new comic strip. Isn't this kind of thing handled through a press release nowadays?]

PoP melts out of a wall with his magic cloaking field or something and takes aim at Steven with his shoulder-mounted ego ray, but someone gets in his way and he steps back into cover (nice continuity here, I should point out, since he stepped out of cover from a plant, but when he goes back in he melts into a painting. I assume he isn‘t supposed to have moved, else why would someone taking a step into his path be a big deal?). Good thing nobody noticed this guy step out of a wall and stand there, especially with Bibleman, Steve and the editor facing his direction.

A reporter asks Bibleman what it feels like to be a comic strip hero, which seems a slightly odd question to ask someone who’s a real-life superhero. He replies that he sees God as the real hero, of course. Cypher sidles up to the table where our two good Christians are sitting and tries to get Steve to use him as the model for Bibleman’s sidekick in the comic. Those wacky black sidekicks, huh? The press conference then concludes (after one question from the reporters!).

Cypher introduces Bibleman and Steve to Tyler (we‘re not told what the boy‘s real name is. I guess he‘s not cool enough or doesn‘t get enough screen time to justify getting a spot in the credits), another artist. “Wait’ll you see the new sidekick he comes up with for Bibleman, with a little help from his *ahem* friends.” “Oh, brother,” is all Bibleman manages of a reply. Again, it seems like Bibleman should be trying harder to get his plucky sidekick to learn the lessons that supposedly guide their every action. When Big B suggests that maybe Tyler would have some input for the comic strip (which, if I‘m hearing this right, is going to be done by a ten-year-old. They even built a studio for Steve), PoP gives Steve a few pride zaps--which nobody actually sees because of course the villains are only metaphorical--and Steve tells them he really doesn’t need any help. [UnSub: Just to put this whole comic strip thing into perspective - both Stephen and Tyler are kids. That's right, this strip is so important to the newspaper they've assigned their best pre-pubescent artists to it.]

Cypher is asked to keep an eye on Steve. Bibleman poses for a picture, giving PoP the chance to give him a few zaps of instant ego-itis too (and once again, PoP steps out of a plant and steps back into a painting).

At the cave the next day, Miles is looking over some art Steve sent for the comic (Cypher suggests he get an expert opinion and Miles asks UNICE. That I could almost believe the target audience would find funny), but he’s afraid that it draws too much attention to him and not enough to God. I almost have to laugh at the hypocrisy of this. In "Back to School” I think it was, Bibleman said something similar, people don’t want him, they want God and His Word. Well, why have they continued to make this show for ten years if that‘s true? How about recording Bible studies and releasing those on home video? Wanting to direct attention toward God is understandable, even laudable, but you can’t hide from the fact that if they didn’t make their show about a super-cool, light saber-swinging superhero, a lot less people would pay attention to their stuff, much less say it provides a healthy role model for children. Captain Planet Syndrome strikes again.

In the sewer, PoP is gloating a bit about his initial success, saying Miles is “proud of being humble.” I think he’s just covering up that his pride treatment hasn’t kicked in yet. Once it does, though, “You can kiss Bibleman… bye-bye!” “Kiss him? Ya know, he really is kinda cute…” LUCI chips in. I don’t know whether to blame writer Marion Wells or writer Willie Aames for that unsettling image and quite un-humble line. PoP and Ludicrous head out to mess with Stephen’s head some more. Or, PoP does. Ludicrous is not in fact in evidence during the next part. In all seriousness, they might as well have written him out of the episode and said he was visiting his mom in the ninth circle or something.

At the Schatzville Club for Boys, Pop uses his melt-into-the-wall gizmo to sneak into Stephen’s (the establishing caption spells it “Stephan”) studio and blast him a couple times with the ego-enhancer. Bibleman comes in to talk to him about the artwork, and Stephen admits they don’t quite work, but shows him his latest masterpiece: a picture of Bibleman surfing on a giant Bible through space, holding the planet Earth in one hand. Bibleman tells him that it’s not about him, but about God [UnSub: which is why Bibleman agreed to be in a comic called Bibleman that was all about his adventures - because it's all about God and not his ego]. For some reason PoP steps out of hiding and zaps Steve again during this, and luckily Bibleman hasn’t read 1st Corinthians 16:13 in a while, as he doesn’t notice the guy in the gaudy gold armor walk out of the wall right in front of him.

Tyler comes in with a sketch of potential a sidekick based on Cypher, but Steve gets angry and walks out. Bibleman tells Tyler, “Stephen just needs our prayers and our support,” and sends him home. Big B then calls Cypher on his wrist walkie-talkie and says he thinks Steve is being “attacked by something besides his own pride,” which Cypher thinks “makes sense” (!). So much for just giving Stephen prayers and support. Bibleman tells UNICE to initiate the multi-particle scanner so he can see if something’s amiss in the studio, which makes CGI lens slide down over his eyes. I’m not a superhero, so what do I know, but tying the activation of your armor’s onboard systems into your base computer seems like a bad idea to me. Doesn’t this mean if the villains learned about this, they could send signals to activate the Full Armor of God’s built-in gadgets and leave Bibleman too busy trying to quiet down his own suit to stop them? Isn’t it at least possible? And what if a fuse blew in the Biblecave and UNICE shut down, and he had set it up so that only she could activate a gadget he needed? What then?

PoP decides to have a little fun and steps out for some sword-fighting, complimenting Bibleman‘s new suit with a “The Mask“ reference. “The Bible says in Proverbs 29: 23 that a man’s pride will ruin him, but the humble will gain honor. You’re finished before you start,” Bibleman growls as he switches into Old Testament Mode. I love this guy. Really, how can you reconcile the radically opposed ways Bibleman treats people? When he’s talking to a kid it’s all blah blah blah unconditional love and blah blah blah forgiveness of sins, but when he’s talking to a villain there’s none of that, it’s blah blah blah never escape punishment, blah blah blah eternity in flames… Doesn’t Michael 5:44 say, “And now I say to you, love your enemies, pray for those who hurt you”? Funny how that’s the one scripture Bibleman never recites. Can‘t have the kids wondering why their hero solves his problems with a light saber. “You have got to be kidding!” PoP scoffs. “I’m a man in spandex, do I look like I’m kidding?” Big B retorts.

Do you really want me to answer that?

UNICE sounds an alert from Bibleman‘s scans. “Bibleman has company!” she helpfully lets us know. “Get him, Bibleman!” Uh… don’t you mean, get him GOD? Isn’t He the real hero? Out of nowhere, PoP asks our hero, “What, not sure? Then maybe you’re too proud!” First, where did that come from? And second, dude, you’re getting your shticks mixed up. You already did Doubt, now you’re on Pride. Two different things. Bibleman yells, “I am not proud! The Bible warns against pridefulness!” Oh, is that what “pride comes before a fall” and “a man’s pride will ruin him” were supposed to be? PoP laughs this off and leaves his foe to wallow in the effects of mad science-induced sin.

Back in the cave, Cypher and UNICE are analyzing Miles to see if there’s anything wrong with him. UNICE registers a slight cranial disturbance, to which Cypher asks, “What kind of disturbance, UNICE?” A slight cranial one, Cypher. Cypher observes that, “whoever this guy is, it’s obvious he’s messin’ with your head. The only question is, how?” Maybe that ray gun on his shoulder? Are those bright red beams it shoots only there for our benefit? Miles says the villain called himself the Prince of Pride, but the thing is, he didn’t. I think this is the second or third time he’s known a villain’s name without hearing it. He remarks that “pride can be a hard lesson and not easily dealt with.” Wow, I never knew that about hard lessons.

Miles asks after Stephen, and Cypher says that he realizes he was out of line with Tyler and he’s agreed to come back to drawing the comic. They don’t seem to have told him to watch out for a light saber-toting super villain, so let me say once again nice role models, guys. UNICE boots up a Biblelogue and recaps everything so far, hilariously noting that PoP’s using some “unknown means” to stimulate their egos while playing footage of him blasting Bibleman with his ego-enhancing ray. Yeah, it’s a mystery, all right.

Later, the editor of the Gazette calls and says he’d like Bibleman to come in at 2:00 that afternoon and get his opinion on Stephen’s new artwork for the comic. Cypher predicts that PoP might show up there and suggests he should go too. UNICE states her superior credentials and says SHE should accompany Bibleman instead. Miles looks mildly amused, although if I was a superhero, especially the kind who intervenes in people’s lives the way Bibledude does, I’d be worried if my assistants had so much trouble working together they fight over something as dumb as who gets to come with to look at some comic strip sketches. Especially if I’m the only one who’s equipped to fight any villains that show up. In the end, Miles picks Cypher just because. Although with the imminent attack on UNICE (I’m getting there), it might have been more dramatic if Bibleman had picked her to accompany him.

At the sewer lair, the bad guys are watching the goings on in the cave and LUCI is again telling PoP about how neat-o computers are and how UNICE could bring them down if they don‘t do something about her. He admits she might have a point and has her send UNICE an e-mail, “E for Ego.” Before their evil plans move forward, the Prince of Pride sings the obligatory song about how he’s…the Prince of Pride. Let’s just say I knew nothing was ever going to top “Livin’ La Furiosa”.

The episode’s stupid song out of the way, on PoP’s command LUCI downloads some pictures into Stephen’s laptop so that he‘ll think Tyler was trying to steal his glory at the meeting. “Gee, I wonder what’s gonna happen now,” PoP asks. Well, this is just an educated guess, but I’d have to say Stephen’s pride will run out of control for a little bit, but then Bibleman will talk a reconciliation out of a Stephen who’s surprisingly receptive to his words because there’s not enough time left for him not to be, then find you and blow you to smithereens. Just a guess.

Cut to the Schatzville Gazette (which now appears to be a different building, and the caption says it‘s the next day and 9 a.m., despite the editor saying the meeting was at 2 that afternoon). The editor remarks that Stephen’s sketch of a potential sidekick, a ragged-looking robot, “looks like old sci-fi” and asks if he’s got anything else. Stephen loads up another sketch, but it’s a colorized version of Tyler’s sidekick sketch, which he protests he didn’t draw. So he wasn’t the slightest bit suspicious when he not only saw but booted up a picture that he didn’t put there? And why would he be booting up unknown stuff if he’s so prideful and wants his name on everything, and isn’t going to take credit for things he didn‘t draw? Was he just clicking on any old picture file in his laptop and hoping it was something he could use? Or was this some kind of Power Point presentation that LUCI messed around with?

Mr. Editor asks what Stephen’s got in the way of villains. Let me get this straight, they said this strip was going public in Sunday’s edition. That was a couple of days ago. Yet they don’t even know who the villain is going to be yet? And Stephen’s doing the whole thing himself? And doesn’t he have school and homework during this time period too? I can’t possibly see an arrangement like that ending well. At least not until Stephen and Tyler (ha ha ha! I just got it!) make up and put their heads together just in time to get the comic done.

[UnSub: For those who don't, Steve Tyler is lead singer of Aerosmith. I'll give you all a minute to pick yourselves off the floor after realising that particular joke.

...

Let's continue.]

Anyway, he loads up another picture he didn’t draw, of a fat guy with a robotic arm and some kind of really big hat. The editor replies that this is perfect, “great name too,” except there is no name on the picture. Bibleman has a pride attack, saying that he’s supposed to approve the themes before Stephen draws them, and reprimands Steve. Hey, give us some context, guys. What was the theme? And if this is wrong, what did Bibleman have in mind for how themed villains should look? Honestly, if this is a problem I think it’s Bibleman’s fault for not being clear enough about how things need to be done, hence also the problem with the art focusing on him. Stephen gets angry and storms out. There’s an uncomfortable silence before the editor tells them to get this together, “or we’re all gonna look like fools,” and then leaves.

[UnSub: Regardless of the lack of planning that has gone into the development of the Bibleman comic, if I were the Editor I'd be concerned that the key artist apparently only did one sketch. Because, if he had a lot of samples, wouldn't Stephen have just kept flicking through the file until he got to one of his designs?]

Cypher is suspicious of the picture. “This isn’t Tyler’s style.” He clicks on a handy “decode” tab (do a lot of programs have those?), and before you can say “James 3:16,” the picture of the fat guy dissolves into one of PoP. This seems a dumb thing for the villain to do, but he is after all the Prince of Pride. Not that it wasn’t painfully obvious who was behind the shenanigans anyway; after watching Bibleman learn a villain is antagonizing the kid drawing his new comic strip, I wasn‘t going, “Gee, I wonder who did that?” when some unknown pictures pop up in the artist’s portfolio.

“Prince of Pride!” Cypher exclaims, “And I bet he’s here!” Bibleman adds. Why would you assume that, I mean, aside from having written the episode? If I was a villain, and had done something like dorked around with a media presentation, I can’t see any reason why I’d then go there in person. But having another sword fight is probably the easiest thing they could think of to eat up some running time.

But indeed, PoP steps out of the bookcase, and with a hilarious cry of, “Shnikes!” Bibleman engages him in a match to see who has the most wretchedly komical fake martial arts, complete with fake poorly dubbed dialogue read off the menu of a sushi bar. Then the lights go out and a strobe flashes at them as they go for their light sabers. Cypher starts to futz around with Stephen’s laptop, to do what I don’t know, although it’s probably something I’d wait for another chance to do with a light saber fight going on literally right next to me.

Bibleman tells Cypher to get UNICE online, and that is indeed what Cypher appears to (somehow) be doing with the laptop (which means that he was doing it before Bibleman told him to, unless he was trying to sneak in a quick game of Minesweeper while the others battled it out). Although what he hopes UNICE can do, he doesn’t have time to say. Near as I can tell, he wanted Cypher to bring her online so they could find out something’s wrong with her. When Cypher fails to connect with her (I‘m going to try to be fair and say LUCI had something to do with that, because the show doesn‘t explain it), Bibleman sends him back to the cave to get to the bottom of it. “And leave you?” Cypher shouts. And what, dear brainiac, do you think you’ll do if you stay? “We can’t take the chance!” Bibleman tells him before Cypher gives in and leaves. And I tell ya, that Bibleman doesn’t know the meaning of “priority.” When UNICE said she was feeling strange back in “Incredible Force of Joy” and when he himself felt something was amiss upon returning to the Biblecave, he couldn’t have cared less, and here is, fighting for his life against an envoy of Satan and she’s his first concern.

LUCI appears on one of UNICE’s monitors in the cave and gives unto her holy counterpart a virus. Or something. They actually call it “data” and leave it at that, but I can’t say that clarity has ever been one of the show’s concerns. LUCI garbles something about UNICE being too old and slow to handle it, and UNICE replies by saying she has Intel Inside. A much more computer-literate friend once told me that’s not really a good thing.

I guess I should point out another logical upheaval. According to the profiles that were up on the old Bibleman site, UNICE is the smartest and most powerful computer ever created, so powerful she has unlimited access to the villains’ database. According to those same profiles, LUCI is a formidable computer too, but much cheaper and with no power to invade computers protected by the Word of God. Like, oh, every computer in the world except UNICE. UNICE should be able to process circles around LUCI and laugh off any of the Underhanded Link’s attempts to infiltrate her motherboard. Once again, the demands of the script supersede anything else we might have heard.

More clever banter is thrown back and forth about UNICE being obsolete, and I try to imagine Mrs. Upton keeping a straight face as she voiced both sides of this argument. Explosions start occuring around the Biblecave, but nothing actually explodes. Cypher finally arrives and tries to debug UNICE. We cut back to the Gazette and the two combatants play go fish. Cypher prays frantically for wisdom. Bibleman and PoP play rock-paper-scissors. It’s more than a little jarring, and less than a little funny.

Cypher tries UNICE’s ego defense program (and this didn‘t switch on when she was arguing with Cypher about her superiority? Or does it only protect her from outside egos? Again, what‘s going on?), which was shut down by LUCI, but then tells her to run her anti-virus, “Remove all data not obedient to Christ!” [UnSub: -insert your own Microsoft joke here-] Ignoring how ridiculous that sounds (is her word processor obedient to Christ? Is her biological analysis software obedient to Christ?) is there some reason you wouldn’t do the second thing first? After some more explosions, UNICE’s mainframe is safely purged of all non-Gospel-approved data. At the Gazette, Bibleman is for some reason physically weakened by his case of pride, and a triumphant PoP leaves with a cackle. Remember how he lost it about never winning at the beginning of the movie?

Later at the cave, UNICE is thanking Cypher for saving her, but he’s suddenly humble, saying he didn’t do anything, he just asked God for insight. So people who know about computers don’t really know anything about computers unless they ask God for wisdom, and he gives it to them? Miles comes in just then and angrily declares that strip’s going to bomb, and once it does he can’t show his face anywhere.

“That sounds like your pride talking,” UNICE points out. Suddenly Miles has a light bulb moment, and has UNICE scan him. She finds stuff in his brain consistent with stuff they found in Stephen. From this they realize that the villain used a ray to stimulate their egos. Guys, I’m seriously trying not to be too harsh in this review, but your heroes are a little on the slow side if this is all just now coming together. A villain called the Prince of Pride is found hanging around in the studio of an artist who suddenly develops a runaway case of egomania, the exact same thing happens to Bibleman after a few confrontations, and they’re just now making the connection. That could actually be kind of clever if I didn’t think it was just another case of the script overriding any brainwork or adherence to their own principals that would upset the ordained story. “Insidious,” Miles growls, not to mention slightly moronic on your part, hero-boy.

They plan to set a trap for PoP, to make him think the comic is about him but not reveal the ending so that his pride will force him to try to find out and draw him into their clutches. To do that, they have to have a comic, and to do that, they have to get Stephen’s help again. At the studio, Bibleman apologizes to Stephen, and says he forgot that all their gifts come from God. “We’re just vessels that he uses to show his glory,” which sounds like an awfully prideful thing to do, when you think about it. Stephen, just as we’re expecting, has become humble once again too, and thinks maybe if Tyler helped him he could get the strip ready in time. They high-five, and there’s a short scene of Tyler and Stephen standing next to each other and smiling as they presumably draw the strip.

PoP is watching this on his magic hologram viewer, and Bibleman suddenly storms into his hideout for a final fight. So much for that elaborate plan to lure him into the open and then jump him. Why did they come up with that, if they were just going to do this?

The light sabers come out, but don’t start swinging until Bibleman quotes Exodus 15:7. There’s a “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” joke that’s dumber than the one I made above, and the fight ends when Bibleman bounces back a barrage of ego rays with his sword, forcing PoP to stumble into some power lines. It bears mentioning this this is incredibly grotesque for this show. The Prince’s neon bones crumble, green stuff splatters on the walls, and oh my God you can see his brain in the puddle of goo that’s left on the floor. Is that what lies in store for the people who don’t agree with you, Willie?

Now it‘s Bibleman‘s turn for some aimless rambling, as he turns to us and begins to orate. “Pride and destruction go together like liver and onions, or toenails and cheese, they go together like Sonny and Cher or Donny and Marie, like finding a band-aid in your salad or drinking goat’s milk with a head cold…” So you show something horrible and repulsive like that, and then the next second turn around and start cracking jokes (great choice of material, too, as I‘m sure the Christian community is full of preteens who know about Sonny and Cher and the Osmonds), and I’m supposed to be amused or something ? You said this wasn’t supposed to be fun, Bibleman.

[UnSub: I think the above paragraph shows maybe why Mr Aames decided to spend "more time with his family" and was replaced by a new Bibleman who probably couldn't approve the scripts.]

At the cave some time later, Cypher gushes how cool the comic strip was (we aren’t shown, of course), and Miles happily adds that Stephen and Tyler are becoming good friends as a result of the collaboration. The editor calls and tells them that their phone lines are jammed and that strip was a smashing success. Cypher asks if there’s any faults of his he wants to examine in next week’s strip (“I wouldn‘t want to draw all the attention to myself,” Miles says, playing the humble one, “I think we should probably focus on YOUR faults.“ This jerk is supposed to be God‘s chosen?), and they bring UNICE into it, to set up this episode’s entrant in the Lamest Superhero Joke Ever sweepstakes. “I’m too tired,” she cheekily replies, “I think I’ll go crash.” Heh heh heh… you see it’s funny because she’s a computer, and what it means if a computer crashes is… ah, roll the stupid moral already!

Like He-Man before him, Bibleman comes out and drops some indecipherable enlightenment on us. “Hi kids, it’s okay to be proud of our accomplishments, but not prideful in our actions. And there’s someone who is always proud of us, and that person is Jesus Christ.” Huh?! How did we get from the first thing to the second? “If you’d like to ask Jesus to be your lord and savior, talk to your parents, or your pastor. Then you too can put on the Full Armor of God.” Which you can also do by buying your very own Bibleman dress-up costume! Only $39.95! And your little girl can join in on the fun with our brand-new Biblegirl action doll with life-like hair, for just $9.99! And don’t forget The Bibleman Videogame Adventure, coming to your PC this spring!

That guy doesn’t know the meaning of pride, does he?

Bibleman is an original creation, so has no direct comic-related source. How well it shows the teachings of the Bible... well, that's up for you to decide.

The hypocrisy’s amusing, but it only makes the movie a little more viewer-friendly.

We’re asked to swallow even more silly and inane stuff so the movie can stay on track than usual, but that makes “Shattering the Prince of Pride” one of the high points for people who just watch it for the amusement factor.

Date of review: 19 May 2006