Bibleman: Conquering The Wrath of Rage

Review by Heckler King

Bibleman faces a new challenge in his quest for truth, justice, and the Evangelist way when El Furioso threatens to engulf the city in an epidemic of people yelling at each other. Will his new plucky sidekick be a help… or a hindrance?

Miles Peterson aka Bibleman (Willie Aames)
Cypher (Brady Williams)
Luxor Spawndroth aka El Furioso (Brian Lemmons)
Ludicrous (Steve Weatherford)
UNICE (Maylo McCaslin)
LUCI (Maylo McCaslin)

Year: 2002
Censorship Rating: Not rated, but aimed at a family audience

Opening with a bang, we’re told that we’re seeing the Schatzville Electric Works, with “Bibleman hard at work. Check out the new suit!” Indeed, Bibleman has traded up his Full Armor of God again, this time garbed in a dark purple suit with subdued yellow highlights remade to be friendlier-looking than his last one. He’s knocking away laser blasts from a Satanic stormtroooper with his light saber. You know, having a sword that can deflect laser beams would be pretty cool, but it seems kind of inadvisable to have that as your only weapon against guys with access to technology on the level of Bibleman’s enemies, as they might suddenly develop long-range weapons that let them attack Bibleman from outside his own range of attack. Oh, I guess they did. But hey, tactics, shmactics. Faith in God is the only weapon we really need, right?

After Bibleman deflects a few of his blasts at point-blank range - dude, your gun will still work if you’re out of range of Bibleman’s sword - the guy unleashes the Incredible Force of Randomness on Bibleman, telling him, “You wait here, I’ll run.” So saying, the storm trooper dashes off along the catwalk, but Bibleman is quickly in pursuit.

Actually, the storm trooper seems to spew random phrases in general, as when Bibleman pursues him to ground level, he exclaims, “You’re too fast,” presumably in response to Bibleman leisurely jogging after him. Faster than a speeding seraph! He goes on, “Nobody’s ever escaped us before.” Wait, it looked like YOU were the one trying to escape from BIBLEMAN. What’s he talking about? Finally he asks, “Who are you?” Since, I guess, Bibleman wants this guy to tell all his friends in hell about who sent him there, he answers, “I’m Bibleman.” I’d just take the guy out while he’s waiting for an answer, personally, but I suppose that’s why I’m in here writing this review and not out there kicking demon ass like Bibleman.

Anyway, the storm trooper’s storm trooper friend shows up all of a sudden and they resume shooting at Bibleman, pinning him down. By the way, the storm troopers’ lines are all subtitled for some reason. I mean, their voices are a little muffled, but not nearly so much as to require those. By the way, the video box says this movie is close-captioned, but it isn’t.

Fortunately (or not), a figure with yellow camo-print pants, a nifty bionic eyepiece and a broom enters the fray. This proves to be Cypher (Brady Williams), a cocky youth looking to be Bibleman’s new comic relief black sidekick. Bibleman warns him to stay out of this, he isn’t ready yet, but Cypher wants to prove himself to Our Hero and steps into the open to do a vaguely martial artsy baton routine with the broom. “Very cute, Cypher! They have weapons, you have a broom!” Bibleman shouts at him. Hey, dude, glass houses and everything. What does it say about you, the inspirational superhero who shepherds the weak and ignorant, that you spent your time and energy saying something useless like that instead of going to help him? Besides, I for one consider a broom a better weapon than a plastic light saber.

Perhaps seeing Bibleman’s point, Cypher retreats as the storm troopers open fire again. “Cypher, no!” Bibleman screams. Which is it, Bibledork? Get out of here or stay and pit broom against laser rifles? Jumping into the fray to save him, Bibleman takes a laser blast and slumps against a pillar. Strangely, his sword was in his right hand in the long shot, his left in a close up as it shows him leaning against the pillar, right again in another long shot, then left again in another close up. Continuity, schmontinuity. Faith in God is the only quality control device we really need, right? A rain of gold sparkles suddenly falls on Bibleman (it‘s Ludicrous, sprinkling “the master‘s gold fury“ on him from above), having some Insidious Effect upon him. Not seeming to notice the gold particles in the air all around him, he remarks, “I’m gonna regret this!” as he charges off. If he means saving Cypher’s life, he won’t be the only one.

Not far away, the storm troopers have cornered Cypher, but Bibleman rushes in and bounces back a laser beam at one, disintegrating him. The other one runs away, but Cypher stops Bibleman from going after him. “You always told me the quickest way to lose a fight was to lose your temper!” I don’t recall Bibleman staying all that calm in most of the battles I’ve seen him take part, but I guess we’re supposed to take that as righteous indignation rather than anger. But anyway, he quickly recovers, since that little outburst was presumably in there just to remind us that even Bibleman is susceptible to mortal vices. If that’s the case, though, I don’t know why it thinks it was “strange.” That kind of gives the idea that he’s become so pious that he IS beyond the negative behaviors that afflict the rest of us, but we’ll be here all day if I attack that in full detail, so let’s move on. Bibleman’s wrist beeps, and he remarks, “Busy night. Let’s go.” I thought he told Cypher to stay out of this because he wasn’t ready, and that little incident sure wouldn’t convince me of his value. Whatever the case, our zeroes leave to deal with this other crisis.

Theme song, back story, check. Kind of amusing to note that the narrator claims Bibleman is “equipped with unyielding faith.“ If that were true, would the forces of sin be able to insinuate themselves into his behavior? Like they do IN EVERY EPISODE? After that, we cut to a dark and sinister place “somewhere in the Schatzville sewers,” this being the set for the villain hideout they’re still using to this day. Ludicrous delivers a CD to his boss, although we don’t find out where it came from or what it’s for. Thanks a lot, guys. Remember Dr. Fear? He’s back, but his new villain name is El Furioso, and we find out that the test of his secret weapon worked as well on Bibleman as it did “on that brat from the school today.” I’m not sure why you’d test it on Bibleman AND some random kid, but if he didn’t, Bibleman wouldn’t have anybody to teach how to avoid this problem.

He has LUCI boot up their magic crystal ball hologram thingy to see the results of his handiwork on “that kid Jordan.” We’re shown a scene taking place at G. Randall Jr. High (after executive producer Gary Randall. Lazy, lazy, lazy) from earlier in the day. It seems a little weird to me that Schatzville would have two junior high schools, but I guess it’s a really big Oregon town. Some bully grabs Jordan and puts him in a headlock, but the Big J pushes him off and calls him a moron, then we see more of the gold dust drifting down on him from above. Want to explain how that happened? Was Ludicrous hanging from the ceiling with toilet plungers or something? Don’t want to tell us? Okay. We see how enraged Jordan is when he yells something we can’t make out and doesn’t do anything else. You’ve got him right in the palm of your hand, Fury-dude.

[UnSub's Aside: Also, apparently if a bully puts you in a headlock, you're just meant to take it, because being a good Christian means you should be a doormat for everyone else. Heck, some guy puts me in a headlock, he'd be lucky if all I do is push him off and call him a moron, but then I'm a soul-less athiest.]

Next night at the Biblecave, Cypher wants to be Bibleman’s new sidekick, since there’s a vacancy now that Coats regained his sanity and jumped ship…I mean, left on a top secret mission, and is hectoring him about it. “We were a great team out there!” he says. “No, we weren’t!” Miles rebukes him. “What do you mean we weren’t?!” Well, I’m not a genius superhero like you, Cypher, but maybe he’s talking about when you tried to fight two guys who had laser guns with a broom, then let yourself get cornered by them. Turns out that Miles’ misgivings at taking Cypher under his wing are part the fact that he’s so undisciplined he nearly got himself killed, and part Miles feeling vulnerable since Coats left and doesn’t want to risk losing another sidekick. Boohoo. He tells his cocky young aide that “God’s work isn’t a game,” and “if you aren’t called to it, it can be dangerous! [HK: I think it’s supposed to be dangerous anyway. That’s what the suit of armor is for, you’d think] A man in spandex is no laughing matter! There‘s nothing glamorous about it!” I’ll agree with that last part. He admits that Cypher did a “terrific job” making his new armor, but “good in the lab is one thing.” Miles keeps ranting about how important their job is, “We deal with real kids who have real problems.” Yeah, like, um… a mad scientist with a remote control that causes fear! And… uh… a yellow demon who uses black magic to make them tell lies! When I was a kid, that happened to me all the time!

Time for this week’s Call For Help. It’s from Jordan’s grandma, who reports that, “He hasn’t been himself lately. He just sits and broods constantly. He’s always in some kind of trouble at school.” Miles wonders if there might have been “some previous incident that triggered this behavior in him.” Almost as if she can hear him*, Mrs. Jordan’s Grandma tells them that Jordan’s parents died in a car accident. That was a pretty conveniently-timed tidbit for her to pass on, wasn’t it?

*(I probably should‘ve made this clear before. It doesn‘t seem like these transmissions are two-way, rather it‘s like people video record them and then upload them to Bibleman‘s computer. Kind of makes you wonder how it all works.)

Cypher asks to be taken along on this one, sure he can be of assistance. UNICE warns him that overconfidence will prove to be a snare, and they start to argue. That’s still annoying, but it’s at least actual advice instead of just her trying to get on the sidekick’s case. It soon descends into the kind of juvenile arguing that marked her lines with Coats, with her mocking his name (Cypher’s real name is Cary). Miles tells them to knock it off, they have a job to do, and enters the booth to don the Full Armor of God.

They begin the Full Armor Sequence, with each piece of armor being called out in dramatic echoes as the pulse-pounding Bibleman theme song plays over the proceedings. Fully clad, Bibleman heads out to…have a talk… with Jordan. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before, but how lame is it that they (try to) get us all fired up with this exciting power-up sequence with the kick-ass theme music and everything, and then most of the time Bibleman goes out and has a pep talk with the current kid in spiritual jeopardy? When I was younger and saw Prince Adam whip out the power sword or Jetman hit their Cross Changers, I got excited because I knew they were about to do something heroic. I understand Bibleman is a different kind of hero (an awful "inspirational" one), but I feel shortchanged all the same when it sets up something cool with a dramatic transformation to his heroic identity or doing some acrobatics down to the level of the villain, then completely stops itself cold like this.

Behind the school, 22:30. “Isn’t it a school night?” Bibleman and Cypher sidle up to Jordan and tell him they’re here to help, and he, as many rational people would, tells them to buzz off. Yeah, I know, that’s supposed to be the fury dust talking, but Jordan’s just at that age where he thinks every authority figure exists only to give him a hard time, forces of the underworld or no. And a moronic white guy in tights and molded plastic sent to chaperone him has got to be one of the most aggravating such figures imaginable.

We see a sinister high-tech binocular POV as El Furioso orders Ludicrous to drop more of the fury dust on them. Are they going to have to do that every single time they want to make Jordan and Bibleman mad? I really wish they could be clear about how the evil weapon works just once and consistent with how we see it affect the character. I don’t need a bunch of scientific gobbledygook trying to make it all sound plausible either. Just say, “This dust makes you really irritable, and after five doses a person of average restraint will become a homicidal maniac.” That’s all we really need.

Anyway, more gold dust falls on Jordan and Bibleman, and nobody notices, not even Cypher with his neat-o keen bionic eyepiece standing right there. Less observant than a cynical superhero dork! Jordan tells them more or less to get bent, but Bibleman tries Revelations 21:4, “one day God will wipe every tear from our eye.” “Who’s crying?!” Curt shouts. Cypher tells him he needs to chill out and Bibleman yells at him (Cypher), the gold fury beginning to take effect. Jordan is “out of here,” and frankly I’m amazed it took him that long. Cypher observes that wasn’t a very encouraging first test. How was that his first test? What about the guys with the laser guns? And with how Bibleman reacted to his involvement that time, even that might not have been his first journey into the field. Bibleman replies that for once Cypher’s absolutely right and storms off.

Back in the sewer, EL Furioso is gloating at the fit of mild pique we saw. Look out world, huh? Ludicrous and LUCI argue a bit, “We did it, your dudeness!” “Whatta ya mean ‘we’?” LUCI demands. Well, what does SHE mean? What did LUCI do back there? The boss told Ludicrous to drop the dust, not LUCI. El Furisio tells them to cut it out, they’ve got an even bigger hit coming up soon and he means to be ready for it.

Back in the Biblecave, Miles is reaming Cypher saying if he doesn’t shape up he’s nothing but a liability, and he might have “permanently alienated Jordan.” For one thing, I don’t think it’s possible for anybody to permanently and incurably alienated, and you may know me as a fairly cynical guy. For another, Cypher just told him to cool his jets, Miles. You’re the one who tried to babysit him and shove scripture down his throat dressed like a party clown. I’d say you’re the disruptive influence.

Cypher rightly (but gently) turns it back on Miles. Cypher is bit of a jagoff, but isn’t Bibleman supposed to be a model of virtue and restraint? Because talking about the problem always automatically solves it, Miles realizes he’s right and calms down. UNICE brings up James 1:20: Anger will not allow you to live the life God wants you to. Miles admits that lately he just seems to be… and gazes at a picture of him and Coats, and doesn’t finish the sentence. Guys, we get it. Bibleman misses his old buddy and is hesitant to open up to somebody new because he’s feeling vulnerable. That even happens to superheroes, okay. Leave it be.

Miles focuses and tells UNICE to run an analysis on “Jordan‘s ballcap“ to see if they can find out if there‘s anything in his system that shouldn‘t be. Uh, when did they get his ballcap? And why would they think they‘d find anything to indicate something amiss with his behavior in his hat, of all things? He never wears a hat in a single scene. Cypher says he thought Jordan was just upset over his parents‘ death, but Miles reminds him it‘s not all about light sabers and spandex, another vital component of their operations is time-wasting research scenes, too. As he says, if they didn‘t take a scientific perspective on Jordan‘s problem, “the episode would basically end right here. We don’t want that, do we?” Speak for yourself.

We get another Biblelog, as pointless as ever. Their research apparently concluded when we come back, Cypher reports he’s found a high concentration of a chemical on Jordan’s clothes that causes mood swings and headaches, and which is found in many household products. Miles says Mrs. Jordan’s Grandma called and said she heard him challenging some boys to a fight, and that “whoever’s behind this probably knows about it as well.” Of course! Obviously, it can’t be a coincidence that a chemical found in common household products would be on his clothes, and that he’s angry at the world because his parents are dead couldn’t be the only reason he’d be picking fights. There’s always a super villain involved when a kid’s having emotional problems, right? Could this show be any stupider if it tried?

Next day, Our Heroes are hiding in the bushes spying on the kids as they get ready to rumble. Cypher says it‘s “time for some action.” Yeah, I know. If I got to break up junior high kids from fighting, I’d sign up for the Bibleteam in a second. Bibleman stops him, “Proverbs 19:2 says that enthusiasm without knowledge is not a good thing.” Cypher persists that they intervene when Jordan shows up, but Bibleman again reins him in and tells him to “set your headset to alt.dim.” Asking what that means, Bibleman explains it means “alternate dimension” and that some of the villains they have to contend with can cloak themselves. “You mean invisible?” Cypher queries. “No, just tricky.” Uh… whatever you say, Bible-dude.

Cypher sees the golden fury showering on Jordan (why just him? Why not all the kids, if the villains are suddenly interested in wreaking havoc on an epic scale after all and they know the stuff works). Bibleman steps in before Jordan can start giving the other kid a fist massage and tells him, “Violence never got anyone anywhere,” [UnSub: who's the one with the sword here, Bibleman?] and tells him to go home, just as Cypher reports some “bad men” fleeing the scene. We see the evil duo flying through Cypher’s headgear, with them identified by name. I’m kind of surprised it doesn’t say “bad guy” in big red letters with huge arrows pointing to them. About the names, Ludicrous I could believe, but would someone tell me how would they know what Luxor’s new name is? Anyway, Our Heroes quickly make to pursue.

“Inexpensive shoot location, high noon. Gratuitous fight scene,” a caption reports as the Evil Duo walk through an empty lot, completely visible. If you were a villain who could cloak yourself, wouldn’t you just do that the whole time you were out and about? I guess in this universe Bibleman’s a pretty scary dude if you’re a bad guy, but I don’t see the evildoers in this show standing up to a couple of everyday cops either. Western showdown music begins to play as Bibleman and Cypher enter the show in dramatic slooooooooow mooooooshuuuuuunnnn.

Ludicrous takes a powder, and Bibleman reminds Luxor (I’m tired of typing out El Furioso) of the futility of his cause. “2nd Thessalonians 3:3 says God will protect you from the evil one, and nothing you can do can stop it.” I don’t know, Biblejerk. That gold fury stuff works pretty well even on you. Luxor takes a swing at Cypher with his light saber (by the way, Cypher won’t be issued his own armor and weapons until another episode is behind them, so what does he think he’s doing there? He doesn‘t even have his trusty broom). If it made any sense I’d say he was preying on Bibleman’s fear of losing another sidekick. After an awfully quick and tame gratuitous fight scene, Luxor takes off. Cypher urges Bibleman to chase them, enthusiastically pointing out, “this is the fun part!” Rather than remonstrating his callow fool of a sidekick for thinking this is fun, Bibleman tells him there are “other ways” and to turn the headset back on. This shows the villains’ footprints, and Our Heroes follow the godless villains‘ trail.

Their pursuit leads to a hatch underneath a support on what appears to be a public footbridge, and we see just what a bad idea this really is. Bibleman and Cypher soon lose their reliance on the footprints as they can hear the bad guys’ voices echoing up from the hideout through the door. Nobody crossing the bridge ever hears this? They don’t even go down the hatch, into the sewers and open a secret door or anything to get into their hideout. You just open it, go down and boom, there the place is. Truly only someone with God’s might as his own could stand against such a wily and elusive foe.

Bibleman and Cypher sneak up on the entrance, and then Bibleman tells Cypher to go first. Cypher doesn’t do sewers. Bibleman reminds him it’s not just a job, it’s an adventure, and then repeats his demand. Remember, the guys arguing here SNUCK UP on the entrance. Okay, I want to know how nobody but Bibleman’s most cynical viewers, let alone the people who make these movies, notice things like this. This guy is supposed to be a big hero and role model to get kids to live the right way, and here he is telling his unarmed, unarmored sidekick to be the first one to enter the villains’ lair where they have the home court advantage and probably a stockpile of futuristic weapons for dealing with meddling do-gooders. Excuse me for thinking maybe the hero with all the weaponry, armor and experience should go first. In the end, Cypher does go first with Bibleprick bringing up the rear. By the way, up to now, and later, Cypher’s eyepiece has covered his right eye. Throughout the hideout scene, it’s over his left. Huh?

Safe in his villainous lair, Luxor is yelling at Ludicrous, noting he’s “about two seconds away from replacing you with Scott Baio!” Are we having trouble letting go of the past, Willie? He quickly changes gears and gets to the Mid-Episode Gloat, that as soon as Jordan fully gives in to his fury his gold fury will be on every villain‘s Christmas list, and he’ll get filthy stinking rich. Hey, greed’s a sin too, right? I find that a little weird when Luxor’s opposite number lives in a huge mansion. Anyway, he gets so caught up in his evil depredations that it, “makes me wanna rhumba!”

“Oh great, another gratuitous dance number,” Bibleman grumbles as a Latin beat begins to play. Shortly, Luxor is involved in singing a ditty called “Living La Furiosa.” I know you’ll probably never listen to me again after this, but… I kind of liked this song. Maybe it’s because it talks about hitting mimes. Even though it seems like a perfect time to launch a sneak attack on their enemy, Bibleman just climbs up the ladder and leaves. Not what I’d do, but Bibleman’s a for-real superhero, so he must know what he’s doing, right? On his way to follow his hero, Cypher palms a bag of gold fury. Hey buddy, God says you must not steal! Deuteronomy 5:19!

Want to know what’s ironic?

Cypher’s the one who said that.

Back to the Biblecave, 21:30, where they’re presumably analyzing the gold fury. Cypher asks why they don’t just destroy all the dust, but Miles replies that “the formula’s in his head, he’d just make more.” And he’ll abandon it forever after this episode even though he comes back from the dead a couple times yet. That makes sense. “No! We’ve got to lure this guy into the open and stop him!” Miles adds all melodramatic-like. Well, a perfect opportunity just passed you by, Biblefool. I guess there’s a secret eleventh commandment that God’s enemies must not fall until a proper climax is established. Then again, they’d be left with only two thirds of an episode if they beat Luxor already. We don’t want that, do we?

Miles observes that if the fury dust got into the wind…”It could be total chaos!” he and Cypher repeat over and over. And over. And over. Well, I don’t know. We’ve been shown it takes multiple doses for a victim to get angry enough to do anything more than yell for a while. That strikes me as more annoying than frightening, and, frankly, not that much of a change from the people in most real cities. Again, could we get just one evil weapon that’s actually consistent with what they say it’ll do?

The villains are getting ready for another fury dusting, but El Furioso suddenly turns into El Panico. One of his sample-sized bags of gold fury is missing. “There were 4,798 and now there’s only 4,797!” I think it was supposed to be funny that he’d notice something like that. I don’t have to tell you if it was, do I? This part doesn’t go anywhere so I’ll move on.

Luxor breaks the fourth wall and explains the situation to us. He tells us he can’t take on Bibleman, the guy’s too strong. I think he’s supposed to be missing the point, that Bibleman isn’t strong, but Christ, who (supposedly) works through him, is too strong. With a quality control department as lousy as Bibleman’s, though, you can’t be sure about anything. He undergoes a light bulb moment, saying if he draws Bibleman out and engages him in battle, Big B will go bezzzzerk, and “he’ll be finished!” Uh… if he’s too strong for you to beat, won’t you be the one who‘s finished, Fury-dude? But then, if he tempted Bibleman into giving into sin, I guess that would still count as Luxor winning. Or the crew not conveying to us what’s going on well enough - take your pick.

Next day, Miles and Cypher get another transmission. Suspiciously, all they have to do to receive it this time is have Miles say, “Onscreen, UNICE.” What, no localizing the signal and establishing a vector lock? Funny the effects that being at a point where you don’t need to waste runtime can have on the efficiency of their equipment. Anyway, it’s from Mrs. Jordan’s Grandma, who’s calling for aid since Jordan has gone “crazy” at his friend Curt (not the one from Dr. Fear. All the names available in the English language and they just happen to pick “Curt“ again?) and asks for his help. Miles armors up and quickly heads over to Jordan’s place.

We cut to Jordan’s apartment, where we see he’s become so filled with rage that he’s… um… yelling some more! Bibleman enters and tells him that’s enough, and Curt replies sarcastically, “And what are you gonna do? Quote some random Bible verses about God’s love and all?” Whoa, Bibleman. Kid’s got your number. (as a touch of subtle irony, Jordan is wearing a shirt with a big yellow smiley face on it).

This scene goes down how it always does. Jordan asks why his parents had to die, Bibleman says God has a plan for all of us. As usual, the kid seems too predisposed to resist Bibleman for such a sudden recovery to be plausible, but the waning runtime squelches any concern of believability from the proceedings. After a few Bible passages are thrown at him, Jordan apologizes so that Bibleman will go away and trouble him no further. I mean, because he’s seen the light and will give his life to God from now on. Bibleman observes that now it’s time to “take a more direct approach to solving this problem.” Cypher rubs his hands together in anticipation; “Now that’s what I’m talking about!”

Next scene, “Really dark scary place, 2:00 hours. Cool, huh?” Luxor is walking along a bridge, complaining that Bibleman will disrupt all his plans, when who should call out from behind him but the guy who let a chance to finish this already go straight past him. As usual, such piffling concerns as how Bibleman would know where to find him are skimmed over, but in the interests of getting this stupid movie over with, I’m almost willing to excuse it.

Bibleman: “At last, we finally meet.”
Luxor: “What are you talkin’ about? We met like a dozen times.”
Bibleman: “Yes, but it was a classic line and I couldn’t resist.”
Heckler King: “Neither could I, writing these pointlessly long reviews to tell the world just how stupid you guys really are.”

Luxor asks if he’s been feeling rejected, abandoned, obviously going for the cheap shots to make Bibleman lose his cool. Once again, though, the worst the gold fury has done to anyone, especially him, is to make them yell at people. He’s been too calm and collected the majority of this movie for the threat of him having a violent outburst to be anything but a little out of left field.

It predictably doesn’t work. Bibleman refuses to give in to violence and drops his sword, and just as Luxor strikes, a column of cheesy… I mean, divine light enfolds Bibleman. Luxor melts like the wicked witch when his light saber hits it. “Jeepers, what a mess,” Bibleman komically intones. Then Cypher runs up to… look at the puddle of good with Bibleman. What was he getting so pumped up about in the last scene, huh?

Back to the Biblecave, time for the Bibleteam to get their pat on the back for a job well done. Miles is telling Cypher that one of the biggest superhero rules is never take souvenirs from villain hideouts as he holds the confiscated bag of gold fury. Cypher just replies he hoped they could figure out how it worked from it, and asked UNICE for the results of her analysis, which she provides. Great supercomputer, guys. It only took her ‘til the end of the episode to figure out what we could tell in two seconds.

Cypher goes on to deliver some good news, since just having him say it is a lot less work than having Mrs. Jordan’s Grandma tell them through another one of those filmed messages, that Jordan is seeing a counselor and feeling a lot better. Miles replies that he has some good news for Cypher; he’s got the sidekick job if he wants it, although what he did to prove himself I’m still trying to determine. He and UNICE get into an argument and Miles laughingly notes it’s just like old times. He and Cypher get into a good-natured shoving match, cutting out in mid-shove. This quickly got a lot more intense, by the way (you can apparently find a video of it on the internet, taken from the outtakes reel that I have), but rather than redo the scene, I guess they thought just cutting it suddenly was an acceptable way of ending the movie.

Of course, any way is acceptable for ending a Bibleman movie.

Bibleman is an original creation, so has no direct comic-related source. How well it shows the teachings of the Bible... well, that's up for you to decide.

You’d think after this many episodes, they’d be learning ways of making better usage of their formula. But hey, faith in God us the only learning tool we really need, right?

Another spontaneous climactic battle! Thou shalt not strike down singing villains! A plague of yelling! "Bibleman: Conquering The Rage of Wrath" isn’t a masterpiece by any stretch, but it manages to come closer to being watchable than a lot of the other installments in the series.

Date of review: 12 January 2006