Fantastic Four (Unreleased)

A family of sorts go into space, get bombarded by cosmic rays and after falling back to earth discover they have powers... and are beset by a kleptomaniac leprechuan and a figure from their past. One of Marvel's least seen yet most infamous films.

Mr. Fantastic / Prof. Reed Richards (Alex Hyde-White)
Human Torch / Jonathan 'Johnny' Storm (Jay Underwood)
Invisible Girl / Susan 'Sue' Storm (Rebecca Staab)
Ben Grimm (Michael Bailey Smith)
The Jeweler (Ian Trigger)
Dr. Doom / Victor von Doom (Joseph Culp)
Alicia Masters (Kat Green)
The Thing (Carl Ciarfalio)

Year: Unreleased... but 1994
Censorship Rating: Never officially released, but would probably earn an PG or M15+ for the violence

Back in the 1980s and 1990s, Marvel Comics had the nasty habit of hocking the film rights to their comic book characters to whoever drove up to Marvel HQ with enough money. It probably made sense at the time, where Marvel wanted cash (they have faced bankruptcy on occasion)... but such practises were not good strategic decisions. Shoddy film after shoddy film featuring Marvel characters appeared on the scene, cementing the term "comic book film" with "cheap, crappy, suitable only for children and idiots and embarrassing for all concerned" in the minds of the public.

Perhaps the greatest representation of this time in Marvel's film history is the "Fantastic Four" movie that is about to be reviewed. Legend has it that Marvel sold the rights to the prestigious Fantastic Four property to a German film group. Unfortunately for Marvel, the film group had the money to buy the rights, but not to spend on actually developing a movie. A clause in the contract meant that if the group did not develop a film within a certain period of time (four years, I believe), the rights would revert back to Marvel. With little time to spare, the group apparently managed to get Roger Corman, famed director of cheap and quick movies, to agree to get a "Fantastic Four" project up and out the door. Actors were hired, the film was shot and for a period of time it was thought that a "Fantastic Four" movie would be coming out. Perhaps sadly for all the professional film people involved in creating this piece of cinema (especially the actors who spent their own money promoting the film at conventions and the like), the German film group never intended to release this movie - they just wanted to retain the rights.

Or so the legend goes. Obviously some copies did get released (likely preview copies), or else I wouldn't be able to review it. What a cheap film production company left behind in their attempts to play with film rights is a fantastic example of where comic book movies end up when they are made for the wrong reasons (and even how it can raise above such origins... to some limited extent.)

The movie opens with a "Roger Corman presents" credit [always a sign of quality], a big number 4 flying at the screen and "fantastic" space stock footage while the credits play alongside a Star Trek-lite music theme. The credits end up on Earth and the action begins.

Some hot maths / space physics lecture action, that is. A lecturer talks about the speed of light, how a special "energy source" named Colossus is coming close to the Earth and how it will provide an opportunity to "bring your telescopes, bring your imaginations and above all, have fun!" [The physics lecturer really hams this monologue up too.] Watching is Reed Richards (who answers a calculation), his friend Ben Grimm and some guy that Reed keeps passing notes to called Victor. Victor is upset that Reed keeps changing the "primary angles of that prism quadrant". Outside, Reed is worried that not considering a "velocity variance", they may blow the experiment. Victor agrees to a simulation (and goes some sort of weird reach-out to Reed that looks like he is going to slowly smack him in the forehead) since they have time.

Pan to Mrs Storm's Boarding House for students. Johnny is upstairs playing video games (badly [like the kid's acting]) with Ben. Mrs Storm is preparing her children - Johnny and Sue - to watch Colossus when Reed bounds in to pick up some notes. He gives Sue a peck on the cheek which obviously means more to her than it does to him [and I damn well hope so, given that she looks about 12] and as Reed bounds up the stairs, we get this wonderful bit of dialogue:

Sue:(staring longingly up the stairs) He's dreamy!
Johnny: You're gross!

Has ever family opposition to young unrequited love ever been shown so well on the screen?

Yeah, probably, but that's what we've got to work with here.

In the lab, Victor and Reed stare at their magical science machine. They set to work, while Reed indicates he is concerned about Victor's calculations. Victor says that they are based on Reed's numbers and that there is no time for a simulation - "Colossus is here!". [One would think that such things as final calculations, adjustments and simulations would have been completed long before Colossus was near, but then these two guys are obviously still at college and probably leave everything to the last minute.] Victor is very happy that after such long planning, they are going to "harness the energy of tomorrow".

Colossus arrives as a cheap flashing light show that gets oohs and aahs from the crowd, while Victor and Reed set to work. Their machine attracts lightning bolts from Colossus, which in turn gets Grimm's attention and he starts off towards the lab [which he would know what Reed is up to since I'm sure they would have talked as friends at some point, but then it's in the script]. The magnetic inferometer [ahh, science!] shows that things are starting to go wrong - apparently Colossus is picking up speed - "Impossible!" says Victor. [See where this is heading?] Klaxons blare, things overheat, other things spark, Grimm runs towards the lab and Reed calls for Victor to "get out of here!". Victor, going "I will not fail! I will not fail!" fails to dodge as electricity sparks out from the machine as it blows and gets zapped, screaming all the while. Grimm comes in and knocks him out of the way, which results in ... well, the machine just stops getting energy from Colossus [so it's almost like having zapped Victor, Colossus goes, "My job is done here" and exits to pick up its paycheque]. A bloodied Grimm has covered a smoking Victor with his jacket and Reed goes to get help.

At the hospital, Ben gets patched up while Reed learns that the burns were "too severe" to save Victor. Victor is rolled into an elevator with a shifty doctor and a shifty surgeon while Grimm consoles Reed with a big manly hug. In the lift, the shifty pair indicate that they must save "his Highness".

Ten years later (which is coincidently how often Colossus rolls around) we cut to the Baxter Building, with Reed trying to convince Grimm to fly the ultra-advanced spacehip Reed has built. After a little reluctance, Grimm tells Reed "you've got yourself a pilot... now all we need is a crew". They go doorknocking [well, that's what it looks like] at the Storm residence and we get to see a badly acted cornball scene involving Mrs Storm and "Can Sue and Johnny come into space today?" gag. Reed quite rightly wonders what Sue and Johnny could possibly offer the mission. Grimm sells him on 1) that they a lot about the project [but given that Grimm appeared unaware of its existence of the ultra-advanced spaceship, I've got to question what "a lot" is] and 2) they'd never forgive Reed if he left them out [because when you are going into a high-risk environment like outer space, having a trained crew is less important than not ticking off your friends]. Reed is all set to tell them no, but then Sue comes down the stairs and Reed notices how hot she's become in the past decade, so he suddenly forgets all misgivings. Mrs Storm says, "Look at you! The Fantastic Four!" and we have ourselves another funktastic moment.

Switch to two shifty guys wearing glasses communicating to a "Highness" about a diamond. Outside the Baxter Building, security rolls up with a big suitcase while deformed guy watches them from a manhole, saying he can "smell a diamond a 100 miles away". Reed signs for the suitcase, with Grimm's curiosity for what is going on leading him to knock down a blind woman and break her statue. Grimm picks her up (actually, manhandles her to a standing position) and apologises but the woman can "sense" his goodness and forgives him before leaving. Grimm is smitten, but follows Reed up the stairs.

Elsewhere, the deformed guy spies on the blind woman and is also smitten. He sends his henchmen after the diamond.

Outside, the shifty guys pull up and wait.

Inside, Reed shows the "diamond" which will serve an important heat distribution function within his model. Reed monologues about "Victor's death" and how he's carried that burden for the past 10 years. Everyone else agrees to follow Reed on his mission. Reed sets his security system around the diamond and they all leave.

Deformed guy [I'll just give him his name at this point - The Jeweller] spies on blind woman as she sculpts. A beeping calls him away, but he monologues that he'll return with "the most precious gift" he can give.

Shifty guys get told by "his Highness" not to fail. [Thanks for the motivational speech there boss].

Inside the diamond room, the Jeweller enters via an air vent and dances / steps through the security system. The shift guys (who have one of these all-seeing cameras) inform his Highness that there is "an intruder", and everyone watches as the Jeweller swaps the diamond with "a man-made replica". His Highness is very happy with this, as "no-one will capture Colossus before me and they can die in space!", followed by lots of manical laughter.

A spinning newspaper tells us "Richards Shuttle to Launch Today" [must be a slow news day with Lindsay Lohen out of rehab] and the shuttle launches. The crew quickly come across Colossus and prepare to ... well, do whatever the hell they are there to do. The fake diamond glows a dangerous orange-y red and Reed realises that it's a fake - he orders them to get out of Colossus' way, but it's too late. A lot of strange lights and angelic voices envelope the crew. His Highness says goodbye and gets to laugh (again) like a maniac as the shuttle explodes.

Back on Earth, Grimm calls for anyone from the crew as he walks among the wreckage of the shuttle. [In case you are going "huh?", yes, it appears that they survived the exploding shuttle AND the fall to earth]. Grimm runs across Reed (who, like the audience, puzzles over how they survived) and Johnny pretty quickly. Johnny causes a bush to catch on fire with a sneeze, Sue first appears as (half-)invisible and Reed managed to stretch his arm an inhuman distance to catch Sue when she freaks out and fell over. Having "fallen off the radar", the crew sit around a camp fire wondering what to do. Johnny freaks out a bit at them all having gained powers, but Reed calmly says "There is a scientific explanation for everything" and everyone settles down. They all lie down to rest (with Reed comforting Sue, being the fast-moving playa he is). Johnny plays with his fire power a bit, but is still worried.

"ALIVE!!! What do you mean, alive???" is how His Highness [okay, enough of that - it's Doctor Doom, with his green hooded cloak and full faceplate / mask] takes the news of the Fantastic Four's survival. He orders his men to "find them!" (complete with ominous cape swish) or else.

Another spinning newspaper tells us "Reed Richards and Crew Presumed Dead". The blind sculptress - Alicia Masters - has made a replica head of Ben Grimm and is tracing her lips in memory of him [so yes, it's a bit odd]. She gets a package delivered - it's some duplicates of the Fantastic Four's heads for use in developing a memorial statue. Underground, the Jeweller bores his henchmen with some classical poetry / typical mastermind monologing, ending with "You will bring me a Queen!". The henchmen quite hilariously start chanting "Queen! Queen! Queen!" and rush out [perhaps to the local performance of "We Will Rock You"... or not]. The henchmen interrupt Alicia's feeling of the 'head' of Ben Grimm that was delivered in the box, thus finding out that her fantasy man may be dead. Alicia manages to fight off a henchman or two [thus proving that the Jeweller has some very crappy henchmen if they can be beaten off by a blind woman] but they dance around her in a threatening fashion, stopping her from using the phone to call for help. One sprays her with some sort of aerosol (which is the infamous 'shot from Alicia's perspective' moment of the film, which makes no sense BECAUSE SHE'S BLIND) and the unconscious Masters gets carried off.

A convoy of army trucks shows up to the shuttle crash site to pick up Reed and Co. The military guys are just launching into what will happen when they freak out - some kind of rock monster approaches from behind the group. Reed recognises Grimm's voice when the rock thing speaks and gets the soldiers to stand down. Grimm realises what has happened and reacts badly - "Reed! What have you done? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?". Reed manages to calm him down and they all go off with the military to "go and get some help".

The Four get put into isolation and each of them undergo komedic tests to show off their powers - Grimm's weight crushes a chair, Johnny freaks out at setting his hand on fire (with no ill effects to him), Sue turns half-invisible and freaks the doctor out and Reed stretches out to take a needle from the now overly-cautious doctor.

Cut to a castle that Dracula would call "too gothic" - the shifty guys report back to Doctor Doom and he decides that he will get there "by nightfall tomorrow". Back in the labs, the Fantastic Four are asked for more blood for tests and they are obviously getting sick of it. The screen spins and fighting noises are foleyed in - when the screen stops spinning, the human looking members of the Four have stolen the medical uniforms and tied up the doctors. Grimm is left to entertain the unconscious captives. Reed, Johnny and Sue sneak through the complex, with Sue going invisible to knock out a guard. In checking a computer, Reed is presented with a language he can't read but "looks familiar". Johnny finds a way out and the three exit... unfortunately for them, the guard regains enough consciousness to hit an alarm. Grimm (apparently left behind by his comrades) hears the alarm and just busts through the cell door to get out. On the way out, Reed, Sue and Johnny find some sophisticated machine that Reed thinks is "brilliant". The machine's creator is happy to accept the compliment - it's Doctor Doom!

Doom moves from spotlight to spotlight in an otherwise darkened stairway. He speechifies a bit (although it's hard to hear because of his altered voice and the echo the room gives him), telling them they are in a "beautiful charming country, and I the supreme and beloved monarch! Come back sometime for a vacation! Bring the kids!" Reed indicates they are leaving, but Doom refuses to let them go - he isn't finished with them yet. Doom tells them to return to their room "and wait like good little children" or face "pain far greater than your worst nightmare". Grimm appears at this point and the Four are united in going home. Doom exits, claiming the Four are worth the same dead or alive and the room fills with armed guards. The guards start shooting and for once actually hit someone... but it's Grimm and all the bullets bounce off him. Grimm lays the clobberin' down, Sue goes invisible and gets the guards to shoot each other, Johnny goes to flame through a wall and Reed knocks guards unconscious by... making his leg go long and tripping them over. The Four escape when Grimm gets tired of waiting for Johnny to burn through the wall and just bashes through it. At this point, Doom returns with his EEEvil overlord laugh, [no doubt with EEEvil "I have defeated you all!" monologue carefully prepared], only to find out the Four have defeated his guards and escaped. "Huh," is all he says in a genuinely funny moment (but one that makes the villain look pretty lame).

Back at the Baxter Building, Reed works over science-matifical stuff until interrupted by Sue. Sue stammers out something pretty meaningless, but it causes Reed to have an epiphany - Sue can turn invisible because she's "shy", Johnny can become fire because he's got a "quick temper", Reed "stretches himself too thin" and Grimm "relies too much on brute strength", so it's their mental states (or "worst character defects") have become their "greatest strengths". Sue points out that Grimm is the outlier in that he looks like a bad clay model, to which Reed has no real theory for [which I'd say shoots the whole hypothesis in the foot, but then no-one calls me Mr Fantastic. NO-ONE!] Grimm gets a bit huffy at being a "freak" and storms out.

Grimm walks the streets freaking people out and emoting in slo-mo. Lots of mournful saxophone music plays in the background.

Back in the lab, Reed continues to work. Sue interrupts to show off some new uniforms that she's made (Johnny says she looks "like a dork" but Reed knows where his bread is buttered and says she looks "magnificant" [not fantastic?]). Grimm is remembered, but it's thought that he'll come back [because being turned into a rock monster obviously makes one behave like a runaway dog].

In a junkyard, Grimm is approached by the Jeweller's lead henchman [who I will dub Overactor because he overdelivers every line]. Overactor says Grimm "looks so tired" and offers a "place where you belong". Grimm just stands there like a deer in the headlights, so Overactor drops all subtlety, takes Grimm by the hand and says "I'll take you home". [Who knew picking up in junkyards was so easy?] On the TV behind them, a reporter mentions the disappearance of Alicia Masters.

Cut to Alicia Masters, now all dolled up as a queen in the Jeweller's lair - she's pleading to be let go and vows never to be interested in the Jeweller. Overactor interrupts, telling the Jeweller he needs to see the new recruit. Jeweller leaves someone to guard Alicia, which leads to some komedy of the guard sniffing her hair and getting slapped down by the Jeweller for it. When he sees the "beautiful brother" that Grimm is, the Jeweller is overjoyed at what potential he has.

Doctor Doom contacts one of his scientists that he's "going on a little day trip" and expects the laser to be "fully operational" on his return.

At the Baxter Building, Reed, Johnny and Sue are talking about the diamond used in the Colossus experiment for some reason and how only Reed had ever thought of harnessing Colossus (because I'm guessing the machine they saw in Doctor Doom's castle was for the same purpose). Putting two and two together, Reed realises that Victor is alive. Underground, Doctor Doom bursts into the Jeweller's hideout and stands there safe in his armour while his men kill the Jeweller's henchmen. Overactor stands in Doom's way in getting to the diamond - he takes a little too long in stepping aside and Doom shoots him (and yes, Overactor overacts his death as well, but it's not a bad scene considering the rest of the movie). Jeweller pops up and threatens to kill Alicia, much to Doom's great disinterest. Grimm appears and demands the Jeweller let her go - he does and she goes pretty quickly from being the Jeweller's hostage to being Doctor Doom's hostage. Grimm threatens Doom with "clobberin' time, but Alicia tells Ben, "No! I love you!" which leads to him transforming back into human form. Ben has to run away (of course, this time all Doom's men miss him with their shots, even as he walks through a spotlight and into a confined area) and outside, gets all angry so that he regains his rock body. Doom leaves with the diamond and Alicia.

Doom contacts Reed et al at the Baxter Building via video phone, which lets him not only monologue, but use excessive hand gestures to get the point across [and I do mean excessive - Doom is obviously part-Latverian, part-Italian]. Doom shows the power of his laser - it causes repeats of atomic test stock footage absolute destruction to its targets - and says that they have "twelve hours to surrender to me, or I wipe out New York City!" Signing off with manical laughter, Johnny moves to get the Fantastic Four outfits and Grimm reappears and says he's "back". Reed drops the revelation that "Doom is your old friend Victor" [actually, Doom was your friend Reed - from what we saw, Grimm knew him through you] and is hesitant to lead his friends into a trap. Grimm says he's in for his "own reasons", Sue says she's in because she "loves" Reed and Johnny is in because he's looking after his sister and they are the "Fantastic Four". They set off for Doom's castle.

The Four head through into the main room, expecting trouble. Of course, they find it - forcefields from the ceiling trap him. Doom shows up to gloat. Reed tells him that he knows that he is Victor, but Doom says that is a name from the past and that he is now "Doctor Doom" [which I think is the first time in the movie we find out his full title - only about an hour into the movie]. Doom expresses his hatred of Reed for turning him into what he is [complete with more excessive hand gestures]. Also, just to rub it in, Doom is going to steal the Four's powers and then have Alicia killed in front of Grimm. In an Ahh! Science! moment, Doom orders the transfer to begin, which sees green lightning come out of a laser and strike the Four. Sue screams like a girl, Johnny shakes like he's in intense pain and Reed... well, looks like he's experiencing gas. Fortunately, Reed manages to stretch his foot out of the force field and kicks over the transfer laser, causing it to explode. The explosion knocks out the forcefield and the Fantastic Four get into "clobberin' time - for real". Grimm beats up a lot of guys, Johnny only manages to hit walls with his fireballs [because that reduces production costs], Sue causes guards to run into each other by going invisible and by creating her own forceshields and Reed throws a few stretch-punches. In the meanwhile, Doom sets a countdown for the laser and runs away.

Reed is unable to stop the laser firing, but Johnny elects to take on the job - turning his whole body to flame, he flies off after the laser. Reed sets off after Doom while Grimm formally introduces himself to Alicia [there's a time and a place for these things, Grimm...]. Reed catches up with Doom on a walkway on top of the castle. Doom says he's going to enjoy killing Reed "very much" and has blades [short, short blades] pop out of the armoured fingers on one hand. Reed is having none of that and starts smacking Doom around [which kind of makes Doom look pretty lame, but it is probaby the line of the movie when Reed punches Doom and says, "That's for trying to kill me"]. Reed lands one final large punch on Doom ("for being a real jerk") that sends him over the parapet of the castle.

Meanwhile, Johnny is catching up to the laser [yes, he is apparently flying faster than the speed of light].

Doom is clinging to the side of castle and implores Reed to help him. Reed sends a hand down and almost immediately Doom starts mocking him for not having the courage to "strike the final blow" and that Reed betrayed him ten years ago and that Doom won't rest until he has "what is rightfully his". At that point, the rivets in Doom's glove breaks and he falls a long way down. Reed is left staring at the glove until Sue comes and brings him inside. Outside the glove is left on the castle wall and starts moving of its own accord...

Johnny manages to catch up with the 'front' of the laser and flies in its path, only to be immediately be buffetted around like surfer in an undercurrent [great plan there, Johnny]. Fortunately he manages to regain control, creating a fire shield that he uses to push back the laser into a 'spectacular' explosion in outer space [and I don't care to count how many things are wrong with that].

The church doors open and Sue (in a wedding dress) and Reed (in his Fantastic Four outfit) emerge. Reporters take photos while Grimm and Johnny promise not to get into trouble while Reed and Sue are away. The newly-weds get into a limo that drives off, with Reed's super-extended arm waving goodbye. Roll credits.

Made on a shoe-string budget and never intended for release, it might be unfair to bash "Fantastic Four" too much. Sure, I'd still do it if it deserved it, but comparatively it isn't that bad. The script is bad, the acting passable for most roles and the special effects lame, but this movie does have a certain charm of its own. Not a whole heap I'll admit, but enough to make it less painful to watch.

At this point, I can't help but compare this version of the "Fantastic Four" to the much bigger budget version released in 2005. Cinematically, it's choosing the lesser of two evils, since neither movie was actually good, but if push came to shove I'd rather watch this version again. The characters in this version are more interesting and better drawn (or at least less annoying) than their more recent counterparts. It could be said that this Corman version has more heart, despite its smaller budget.

As has been the case throughout Marvel movies / animations that involve the Fantastic Four, a major weakness in this movie is the depiction of Doctor Doom. With all the hand movements, maniacal laughing and generally goofy stuff he gets up to, Doctor Doom never really looks to be that much of a threat - to date, no silver screen offering has made Doom look much like the heavy hitter he is in the Marvel comics universe, so perhaps this shouldn't be surprising. It's a small gripe (and he doesn have a few good moments in this movie) but it's continually true that if the main villain is a lightweight, it makes the heroes fighting him look like lightweights too.

I can't imagine that anyone at Marvel is particularly heart-broken that this "Fantastic Four" hasn't been seen more widely. It contains a lot of flaws and budget shortcomings are obvious. None-the-less, it isn't as bad as its reputation and sticks closer to the source material than a lot of more recent movies (ie "Catwoman", "Elektra"). The unreleased version of the "Fantastic Four" isn't a particularly good movie, but it also isn't an awful one.

A lot of things are pretty close to the comic book version of the Fantastic Four, if just tweaked slightly for the film. Instead of cosmic rays, it is a cosmic energy source called Colossus that gives the Four their powers. Victor Von Doom is certainly less impressive in the film than he is in the comics, but as with a lot of things, it is likely that budget shortcomings stopped Doom showing off anything more impressive than having switchblades in his fingers.

On the whole, the writers of this script appear to have stuck within the spirit of the comic, even if they don't manage to really capture a lot of the 'superhero team who is also family' that forms the core of the Fantastic Four.

"Fantastic Four" isn't a good film, but nor is it painful. It's got a few moments of note and, if you can watch it while keeping it's low budget and history in mind, you might even see that it has some heart that lots of comic book adaptions lack. That said - it's still a bad film.

The special effects, the continued and repeated violations of the laws of physics, the Jeweller and his ilk - there is plenty funktastic in this movie.

Date of review: 24 April 2007