Glossary of Spandex Cinema Terms

Ah, Science!: used to designate an event where a movie scientist does something completely unscientific, unsafe or just plain ridiculous while pretending to be all scientific. It is also used to refer to lame pseudo-scientific explanations given by characters in order to explain what has just happened in the plot.

Captain Planet Syndrome: Where a show / movie is badly acted, downright dull, full of forgettable songs, bad jokes the target audience wouldn‘t understand, lame action and bad special effects but contains an IMPORTANT SOCIAL MESSAGE so therefore has the gall to consider itself morally superior to other shows / movies. This term was created by Heckler King.

CGI fu: that ancient order of martial arts that sees a character become shiny and / or look less detailed but allows them to perform incredible martial arts moves. Those skilled in the art of CGI fu may also be wire fu masters.

Climactic Achilles Heel Amnesia Phenomenon (CAHAP): An occurence in a bad movie where a villain or villains who have knowledge of a hero's weakness or have demonstrated an ability that would completely screw the hero's chances of winning will neglect to make use of it during the climactic battle simply because the bad guy would win if they did. Examples: "Superman IV", "Bibleman: Jesus Our Savior", "The Guyver". This term was created by Heckler King.

EEE-vil: the imitation brand of evil. Evil, as decided upon by a committee. Evil's overly melodramatic, slightly goofy second cousin.

Fluctuating Power Levels: the term given to situations where the ability and / or skills of main characters appear to dramatically improve or degrade for no apparent reason. Fluctuating power levels often see "unbeatable" villains suddenly become weak as kittens in front of a hero just because they are the hero.

Funktastic: the term used to describe an event or person that is meant to be impressive and / or awe-inspiring but falls way short of that mark. Named in honour of Mista Funktastic from "Bulletproof Monk".

Funktastic Rating: the scale used by Spandex Cinema to indicate how much a movie is filled with things that don't quite work out when they appear on screen, leaving the audience groaning / rolling their eyes / laughing at the stupidity. It is also a pseudo-measure of the cinematic cheese quality contained within a film.

Informed Attribute: where the audience is told that a character has a particular quality but little to no evidence is ever presented to provide proof of it in the movie. Example: Arcane's alleged genius in "Swamp Thing" - he calls himself a genius about 15 times, but the film doesn't really show him to be any brighter than anyone else (well, except the dumb-as-rocks henchmen he hires), just more ruthless. This term is taken from Jabootu.com. Also referred to an an alleged attribute.

It's In The Script: when a character performs an action or displays some knowledge that is so completely from left field or against their motivation that the only apparent reason for doing so is that the script told them to. Example: In "Batman", Alfred leads Vicki Vale straight into the Batcave while Bruce Wayne is working so she can find out he is Batman. Apparently after years of faithfully serving Bruce and helping him to become Batman, Alfred just decides that a good woman is all Bruce really needs. Either that, or it's in the script. Can be shortened to IITS. This term is taken from Jabootu.com, but was apparently originally coined by Gene Siskel.

Idiot World: a term used to describe a movie that is inhabited by characters who appear, due to their actions, to have single digit IQs. Such characters don't make logical connections about the information they have, fail to intelligently assess any situation that they are presented with and often say blatantly obvious things out loud, just in case the audience missed them. This term was coined by Roger Ebert and is often linked to the concept that if a normal person arrived in an Idiot World, they could become its ruler pretty damn quickly.

Ken Begg's Rule of Guns: this rule states that whenever someone is armed with a gun comes across someone who isn't, they must get as close as possible so that they can be disarmed (instead of just shooting them from 10 metres away as would be sensible). For the most part it is nameless evil henchmen who are forced to obey this rule, especially when the hero knows martial arts / wire fu / CGI fu. This term is taken from Jabootu.com.

Komedy: the term used to describe intentional on-screen attempted humour that just isn't funny. In fact, it's not funny to the point of causing eye-rolling, groaning-from-the-gut cognitive pain. This term came to my attention from Jabootu.com but may have originated elsewhere.

Monologing: the act of speaking at length (usually about how close victory is and how easy it will be to crush your enemies into dust etc) when all it is doing is giving your opponent time to recover and / or defeat you. The best example of monologuing can be seen in "Heavy Metal" where the EEE-vil Loc Nar blathers on for almost the entire running length of the movie when one quick disintegration would have saved 1) the Loc Nar from defeat and 2) several pointless stories. This term was first used (to my knowledge) in "The Incredibles".

Odious Comic Relief: used to describe a character who's main purpose (or main character trait) is to deliver jokes and one-liners to the audience in a way that will never, ever make them laugh. It could be that the jokes are lamer than Tiny Tim at Christmas, or that the delivery is off, or that they aren't appropriate for what is going on, but the OCR just keeps going and going and going with komedic dialogue that can induce migraines. Unfortunately, a side effect of being the OCR also sees them rendered nearly unkillable (perhaps because not even Death herself wants to endure any time with them) meaning the audience is stuck listening to them until the credits roll.

Originitis: comes in two strains - A and B. Originitis-A is where a film labours over a character's origin to the point where it disrupts the narrative. After a point, the audience gets it! S/he's got powers! Let's move on and see them do something!

Originitis-B is where a film takes an established character or entity and starts making changes to their origin story. It is possible for these changes to work quite well in the film and not alter a character too much (eg "Spiderman") but too often originitus-B leaves characters weakened (eg "Batman", "Constantine") or even unrecognisable (eg "Catwoman").

Punishing the Villain: where a movie kills (or more rarely, wounds or humiliates) the main bad guy(s) in a particularly painful and excessive way. Example: In "Con Air", Cyrus the Virus is electrocuted, thrown through several sheets of plate glass and finally has his head pulped by a piledriver. This is meant to make us (the audience) feel better since the most evil bad guy has received a most brutal death / insult, but can also leave us thinking, "Boy, he didn't deserve that!" and actually create sympathy for the poor devil.

Rule of Feminine Inferiority: a movie / comic rule that forces women to be incompetent and / or ineffective at what they do, regardless (or indeed in spite of) how allegedly expert they are in their field or any abilities they may allegedly possess. Alternatively, it also comes into play when female characters are made to face obstacles that are inferior to those faced by a comparable male character. In many cases, this rule is in place to make the male characters look good by comparison (although it is debatable how good they look next to dumbed-down female characters) and often to create the source of romantic tension and / or for the woman to be rescued by the man.

Example: the Rule of Feminine Inferiority can be seen in "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves", where Maid Marian goes from a strong, independent, self-supporting woman (as seen in her first appearance) to a simpering, ineffectual, wussy girl that requires rescuing by Robin Hood at the end of the film. This change occurs for no reason given in the film and exists only to let Robin Hood save Maid Marian so he can show that he is a hero.

Example: Compare and contrast the events of "Batman" and "Catwoman". Batman saves the citizens of Gotham from the Joker's repeated attempts to kill thousands of them. Catwoman saves the women of the United States from some killer face cream. Discuss how this makes each character look by comparison.

[Author's Note: Before you start typing an angry email about the Rule of Feminine Inferiority, I agree that it sexist, stupid and completely divorced from reality. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't happen time and time again in movies and shouldn't be commented on. Trust me - I share your irritation when I see this Rule appear in a film.]

Sequelitis: comes in two strains - A and B. Sequelitis-A is where a somebody (writer, director, etc) decides that since the first film was so successful, the best idea would be to just duplicate all the "best" bits in the sequel, often placing more emphasis on it the second time round. This duplication often destroys any sense of surprise the audience might have (since they've seen it before) and often turns things that were clever or funny in the first movie into annoying and cliched in the second. Example: see the talking dog (at least) in "Men in Black" and "Men in Black 2".

Sequelitis-B is where a sequel just ignores what was seen in the original film, sometimes even wantonly breaking established rules and / or events. Example: see "Highlander" and then see how "Highlander 2" basically ignores the entire narrative of the first film. [Author's Note: And yes, I am aware that I am the first person in history to tell someone to watch "Highlander 2".] Sequelitis-B isn't terminal for a film to have, but such changes really need to be well justified.

Shooting like a Stormtrooper: the act of shooting a ranged weapon and not being able to hit a target no matter how much ammo they put into the air. Named in honour of the highly-trained Stormtroopers in the "Star Wars" Trilogy who, despite having high-tech automatic laser rifles, were unable to hit anything that mattered even at close range.

Using an Inspiration: this refers to when a hero, having just had the snot beaten out of him by the bad guys, just shrugs off the beating and emerges victorious. Sometimes using an inspiration is accompanied by a flashback or sequence that sees the hero remember what they are fighting for. This term is taken from the Inspiration system that exists in City of Heroes.

Vocal Reversal Rule: the movie rule that states when a character expresses something out loud, the exact opposite and / or something ironically linked to the original statement to happen. Example: a villain who says, "That's impossible! I am invinicible and will never be defeated!" will shortly find out that his defeat is very possible and, what's more, imminent.

Wire fu: that ancient order of martial arts that trains our movie characters to perform incredible acrobatic feats through the assistance of wires and an off-screen team who do all the heavy lifting. It can be impressive to see, but can also run the risk of appearing funktastic when over-used or poorly executed. Those skilled in the art of wire fu may also be CGI fu masters.

Youth Beats Experience: the movie law which dicates that 98 times out of 100 the plucky and naturally talented youngster will defeat their older yet highly trained, more powerful and more experienced adversary. While it is good to see the underdog triumph, this happens so frequently that pretty much every time you see a young character up against someone with grey hair, you know it's curtains for the oldie.