Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD

Nick Fury is called back in from the cold after super-terrorist organisation Hydra sets out perform a terrorist attack on Manhattan. Besides being made politically incorrect since 9/11 (no modern film would have terrorists try to attack Manhattan), this movie is a pretty good example of the standard of films based on Marvel comic characters prior to "Blade": cheap, stupid and all-round mediocre.

Colonel Nicholas 'Nick' Joseph Fury (David Hasselhoff)
Contessa Valentina de Allegro Fontaine aka Tess aka Val (Lisa Rinna)
Andrea Von Strucker aka Viper (Sandra Hess)
Alexander Goodwin Pierce (Neil Roberts)
Timothy Aloysius 'Dum-Dum' Dugan (Garry Chalk)
Kate Neville (Tracy Waterhouse)
Director General Jack Pincer (Tom McBeath)
Gabriel Jones (Ron Canada)
Arnim Zola (Peter Haworth)
Werner Von Strucker (Scott Heindl)
Beret Guy aka Clay Quartermain (Adrian Hughes)
Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker (Campbell Lane)
Inspector Gail Runciter (Stellina Rusich)

Year: 1998
Censorship Rating: PG (for some very weak and mostly off-screen violence)

After reviewing "X-Men 1.5", Marvel's first great movie adaption of its well known characters, it's worth going back and having a look at the kind of movies that used to get made using Marvel characters. Low budget, poorly acted and with little care for what the comics were like - this is the norm for a Marvel film. "Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD" is a good example of this kind of mediocrity that movies about Marvel characters consisted of prior to "Blade" and "X-Men".

(To be completely honest, "Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD" also appears here at this point because it appeared on free-to-air television in Australia for probably the first and only time and I managed to catch it. Not that this invalidates the above statement - "Nick Fury" is laughably bad. How bad? Read on...)

This TV movie opens with a very basic credit sequence [you could recreate it in PowerPoint - yes, that basic] and a helicopter shot that flies towards an island we are told is Trinity Base. Inside Trinity Base, a soldier taps away in a Cryogenics Section. [Besides being told we are looking at a Cryogenics Section, we also know this is a cryogenics lab due to the amount of dry ice smoke coming from the containers and because the soldier is wearing artic camoflage. Ponder for a moment, if you will, the idiocy of having the soldiers guarding a cryogenics lab wearing artic camoflage... yeah, I'm sure they'll blend right in]. The soldier taps away at a keyboard, identifying himself as Private Vaughn and orders the "refreshing" of one of the containers - the one holding Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker (who's pretty dessicated looking, so you would assume he's dead, but the display also seems to have a heart monitor for him). [Later, we find out Von Strucker's been dead for about 5 years, making me wonder just what the heart monitor thing is meant to indicate. Ahhh, Science!] Vaughn looks around shiftily.

Outside, two military helicopters are flying towards a target, talking between themselves in miscellaneous European accents and identifying themselves and Hydra 1 and Hydra 2.

Vaughn stands over Von Strucker's container [real subtle there, Vaughn], which leads to an officer [well, a guy in a military beret] to come up and talk to him about the "hell of a way to earn our keep [...] babysitting the corpse" of Von Strucker, "last of the great global boogeymen". While Beret Guy blathers on, Vaughn shoots him (in the stomach, given the angle) which drops Beret Guy immediately. Vaughn then disables the defence grid and the Hydra helicopters make their approach. Finally, Vaughn (wearing a gas mask) sets off a gas bomb in the air ducts.

Injured Beret Guy gets back up. [Does he sound an alarm? No. Does he reactivate the defence grid? No. Those would be sensible course of action, and "Nick Fury" and "sensible" never really seem to meet.]

The other soldiers in Trinity Base [all five of them] die from the poison gas while Vaughn lets the bad guys in. Beret Guy managed to get a gas mask too, but takes it off to say, "Let's get ready to rock, and let's get ready to roll!" [!!!] before engaging the large squad of heavily armed and armoured Hydra Strike Force with a handgun and while standing in the middle of an open corridor. Although taking down an intruder or two, it is not surprising that Beret Guy is quickly gunned down, though is still not completely dead.

One of the Hydra invaders runs over, takes off her gas mask as well [hello, poison gas in a confined area?] and gloats over the dying Beret Guy. Beret Guy's last words are, "Nick, take care of her".

[Aside: I defy anyone to watch the opening to "Nick Fury" and then be able to say, honestly and with no hint of sarcasm, "Boy, this is going to be good!". I DEFY ANYONE TO BE ABLE TO DO THIS!]

Elsewhere, a figure works alone in a mine. He turns and poses, with the eyepatch and cigar [and the fact that it's David Hasselhoff] telling us that this is Nick Fury. Alerted by a rapidly banging door, Fury grabs his guns and heads into the mine, while a mysterious figure appears in the doorway. Outside, an aircraft [an obvious miniature that's kinda blurry] vertically takes off. Nick and the figure meet up just outside the mine, with Nick kicking, punching and throwing the guy to the ground [despite the guy fairly obviously having SHIELD insignia on his shoulders, which you think would be the first thing trained soldier Fury would look at. Perhaps Fury just knew instinctively how annoying this guy was going to be and decided to slap him around while he could].

The beating ends when the guys salutes Fury (from the ground) and identifies himself as "SHIELD Agent Alexander Goodwin Pierce" in an upper class British public schoolboy stereotype accent. Pierce tells Fury that he's been "reactivated" as "SHIELD's Public Director" [espionage agencies have Public Directors ie Directors who represent the public when decisions have to be made? How high minded of SHIELD!]. (That blurry aircraft touches down too.) Fury tells Pierce to "shove it" because SHIELD "put me out to pasture five years ago"; Fury's answer is the same when Pierce tells him the orders came from the President himself.

Fury's walk away is stopped by the appearance of Contessa Valentina de Allegro Fontaine [I'm going to call her Val for short], who obviously has history with Fury. Val says SHIELD needs Fury to come back because "Hydra's back in the game". Fury doesn't believe it - he "killed [Von Strucker] myself". Val tells Fury about the raid on Trinity Base that recovered Von Strucker's body and "killed Clay in the process" [oh no! Not Clay! Not Beret Guy, who we saw for all of sixty seconds and wasn't even identified by name!]. Now angry, Fury agrees to come back to SHIELD.

On the return flight, Fury reads Von Strucker's file and reveals that it was in fighting this man that he lost his eye. Pierce brown-noses Fury - "working with a legend such as yourself" [he's obviously got a schoolboy crush] - and Fury repays him by exposing just how green Pierce is (this is his first field assignment, although he did graduate at the "top of his class") and wounding Pierce's ego.

[Aside: So, to draw out the thin stereotypes that have been assigned names in "Nick Fury", Pierce is the young recruit who is allegedly talented but sticks by the rules and lacks street smarts as well as being an ineffectual Englishman; Fury is the grizzled veteran who plays by his own rules and Val is the woman who used to love the grizzled veteran who plays by his own rules and still holds a place in her heart for him. Just in case you missed it.]

They land on the Helicarrier, SHIELD's flying headquarters (where they are greeted by a recorded message, telling them that they have arrived on the Helicarrier, SHIELD's headquarters. SHIELD stands for Supreme Headquarters International Espionage Law Enforcement Division, in case you were wondering). Fury lights up his cigar; Pierce tells him that there is no smoking on the Helicarrier due to new world health laws; Fury ignores Pierce.

In the elevator, Pierce gushes about the new security system that is "100% impregneable". Unfortunately, the system doesn't recognised that Fury only has one eye and malfunctions. Fury pushes aside Pierce (who is feebly trying to override the system) and shoots security panel with his gun - the elevator immediately starts to work.

Upstairs, Fury is greeted by his old friend "Dum Dum" Dougan and SHIELD's "newest recruit" Kate Neville, who is psychic. Fury sleazes onto her - "What am I thinking now?" - but Neville isn't offended. Dougan then starts to talk about changes that have occurred since Fury left, which include the appointment of his SHIELD nemesis Jack Pincher to Director General of SHIELD. Within seconds of meeting Pincher, Fury insults him; Pincher tells Fury he can get him pink slipped again; Fury intimidates Pincher; Pincher orders Fury to put out his cigar, which he does.

[Yep, Fury's been on the Helicarrier for less than two minutes and he's 1) violated station protocol by smoking, 2) already started putting live rounds into the expensive equipment, 3) sexually harassed a new recruit and 4) publicly insulted a senior management official of SHIELD. Our hero.]

[Aside: I probably should also say something about Pincher, who, in a normal movie, would be in the running for a worst actor award. However, this easily goes to the woman playing Viper, so we'll just have to focus on how bad his stereotype is. Pincher is a bureaucrat in power and perhaps epitomises the worst stereotype seen in this movie. He is followed around by a gaggle of suits who all have clipboards. Every single thing Pincher says is wrong (in fact, you begin to wonder if he said, "The sky is blue" it would turn green to spite him), none of his subordinates respect him and he appears incapable of delivering an order that anyone follows. He's also a jerk to boot. Having him head SHIELD makes the entire organisation very suspect since you really have to wonder about the quality of an organisation that would have him as their head figure.]

In a set worthy of a b-grade mad scientist, with lots of cables, flashing lights and guys in white hazmat suits, Fury meets up with old friend Gabe Jones, the SHIELD Head Scientist / Doctor [/ Whatever the script requires him to be]. Gabe gives Fury a gun that will electrocute anyone but Fury if they try to use it. [And if you are thinking, "I bet someone gets electrocuted in this movie when they grab Fury's gun and try to use it against him," give yourself a gold star.] Pierce tries to get Fury to sign for the new ordinance he's received; Fury ignores him. Gabe then introduces Fury to his Life Model Decoy (LMD), which is a robot version of Fury that has been programmed to act like him. [The special effects actually aren't too bad here, to give credit where it is due.] Fury gets summoned to the bridge.

We find out that when Clay died, he was wearing contact lens cameras [so we can see who killed him - good thing someone took off their mask to gloat, wasn't it?]. In fact, you have to wonder if the gloater knew about the cameras, given how she delivers a message for Nick Fury that "revenge is mine". The woman turns out to be Andrea Von Strucker, daughter of Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker. (Also there [obviously photoshopped in to the picture] is her brother, Werner Von Strucker, who isn't wearing a gas mask either.)

It turns out the Von Strucker children 1) are trying to reform Hydra, which fell apart after her Dad's death, and 2) retrieved Dad's corpse in order to get a sample of the Death's Head virus that killed Von Strucker (with Fury's help). Apparently "Ebola is just a mild case of the sniffles" compared to the Death's Head virus, which was invented by a Nazi scientist named Arnim Zola [oooh! A virus invented by a Nazi... it must be doubly evil!]. With this virus in hand, Hydra will attempt to bring on a Fourth Reich [because as everyone knows, the Third Reich went so well...]. To use the virus, Hydra will need Zola to help them - fortunately, SHIELD has Zola in a safehouse in Berlin.

Meanwhile, in Hydra Headquarters (manned by bald albino Hydra agents), Andrea and Werner Von Strucker [Queen and King of the Eurotrash, 1996] call up their Dad's old lieutenants who are in Cairo, Osaka and London (although the London monitor remains suspiciously blank). Andrea insults the former lieutenants a bit before promising "a new order" for Hydra. To prove her point, she has the London lieutenant brought out and shoots him (off-screen). The other lieutenants [presumably, since we never see them again] fall into line as "soldiers of anarchy" under Andrea's leadership. Andrea then decides the first Hydra target will be Manhattan and starts to cackle maniacally.

[Aside: Two things: 1) Andrea is also called Viper, so from now on I'll start calling her Viper instead, and 2) Sandra Hess plays Viper with all the restraint of a projectile vomit. She mugs, glares, snorts and tops off an absolute ham of a performance with an awful miscellaneous European accent - lots of swapping 'w' for 'v' sounds, that kind of thing - which just adds up to a fanatastically bad performance. But hey, why act when you can OVERact?]

Fury waits in Berlin with Val for the appearance of their Interpol contact (since Interpol helped catch Zola, they want to be there when he is interrogated). Val starts to bitch at Fury about their past until she is interrupted by some silenced gun fire. An albino Hydra agent falls down some stairs, courtesy of Interpol Inspector Gail Runciter. After exchanging the relevant phrases that spies always do when they meet (and hearing Fury do some bad poetry) the three of them set off into the subway and to the safehouse.

On the way there, they are followed by some Hydra agents. Fury shoots a few [by using his gun held sideways, which looks very lame] and they escape by running straight through a holographic wall and into the safehouse [way to lead Hydra straight to your door, Fury!]. Zola is there and makes some vague threats towards Fury. Kate (who was already in the safehouse) uses her psychic abilities to scan Zola's mind, but runs into stock footage of bombs exploding a mind trap that stops her from going any further. Fury takes this to mean that Hydra has already contacted Zola. As Val sets up security for the safehouse, Inspector Runciter tells Fury that she thinks SHIELD has a mole. Fury and Runciter go off to an isolated part of the safehouse to talk.

Of course, this is a trap - Runciter tries to seduce Fury, shocks him with a joy buzzer to the face [well, that's what it looks like], kisses him and then reveals herself to be Viper in disguise. Fury passes out.

Fury wakes up to find out that Hydra took Zola from the safehouse [exactly how is never reveled, but given the current competence on display from SHIELD agents I wonder if Viper didn't just go, "Hey, look over there!" and wheeled Zola out while everyone was staring at the wall] and that he was poisoned when Viper kissed him. The poison is the "most deadly toxin in all of nature" and will kill Fury in two days. [Actually, if it was the "most deadly toxin", shouldn't Fury be dead by now? For it to kill two days later seems a little, well, less than "most deadly"]. Only one possibility exists to save Fury - for Viper to have the poison on her lips, she has to be immune to it, so some of Viper's blood could be used to create an antidote for Fury. [Ahhh, Science!]

Val tells Fury she's sorry about what happened in their past - both of them got hurt when their romance went sour. Fury is unwilling to talk about it right then, which angers Val. She tells Fury he's still "the same jerk [she] walked out on five years ago".

Pincher and the clipboard crew arrive in an elevator... as does a second version of Pincher (who wasn't seen because he very suspiciously stood facing the back wall of the elevator and was wearing a hat). The first Pincher starts to chew Fury out for losing Zola [actually, this is a fair call, but since Nick Fury is the hero he ignores it] but Fury spots the second Pincher and starts shooting him [more sideways gun action]. Pincher's duplicate opens his mouth and beams a hologram of Viper who says that the Death's Head virus will be released in Manhattan unless $1 billion is paid to Hydra - "against Hydra, there is no SHIELD". The duplicate self-destructs. Pincher calls for an immediate briefing session, then asks Fury how he knew which Pincher to shoot. Fury says, "I didn't" .

[Aside: It's a good thing that Hydra didn't want to do something like cripple the Helicarrier if they are able to get their robotic agents onto the bridge with no real effort. SHIELD really doesn't look like a particularly great espionage organisation as a result if they can't even stop Hydra agents walking into the most secure part of their most important base.]

During the meeting set-up before the President of the USA calls [is SHIELD a UN-based spy organisation? Or is it US-based? The movie isn't that clear, preferring not to have to provide any details] Val reveals that the real Inspector Gail Runciter was dropped off at a Berlin hospital after being infected with the Death's Head virus. Runciter is brought to the Helicarrier [err... why, other than to minimise the number of locations used in this movie? Surely SHIELD has some isolated hazmat hospital / research facility on the ground that would make more sense for someone with such a virus to go to!]. Runciter, isolated in a plastic bubble, is wheeled down the main corridor and past Fury, mainly so she can look terribly sick and scream.

The President of the USA calls. Pincher starts out by vaguely blaming Fury for "dropping the ball in Berlin" [which is 1) true and 2) something he'd never say if he wanted funding in the future, since SHIELD is under Pincher's control]. The President wants to know what the plan is. Fury says they are searching for Fury's base; Pincher says they should find it and bomb it; Fury disagrees. His plan is to have two teams - one to search for the virus in Manhattan, the other to search for the base. Apparently the virus needs to be kept cool, so Hydra will be transporting it in a "rig with a refridgeration system" [which I'm sure will be easy to find, since such vehicles would be rare in Manhattan. Or not]. Once they locate Hydra's base they'll get the disarmourment codes for the virus. The President [having achieved zilch] says goodbye. Pincher yells at everyone for not being told the plan and Pierce embarrasses himself [and I mean really, really embarrasses himself - if I could screencap the look that Neil Roberts gives after this bit, you'd see a man who is wondering where the hell he went wrong in his life to end up in "Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD"] with his brown-nosing "Yes, sir!".

Val is still angry at Fury for not wanting to discuss their past. Fury gets sicker as the toxin acts on his body. Kate indicates that Viper will likely release the virus even if Hydra is paid, which Fury says he already knows. He also indicates that he's too busy to have a "Hallmark moment" to soothe Val's feelings [which you'd have to agree with, given that he has to save the world and is rapidly dying at the same time, but Val is still prissy with him].Getting some flimsy leads from Viper's message and the remains of the Pincher duplicate, SHIELD sets up the mission. Fury, Pierce and Kate will look for Hydra's headquarters; Val will head the field team going into Manhattan. Fury tells Pierce to pack the Life Model Decoy [hmm, wonder if that's going to see some action...] and Gabe is set to scan all the phonecalls in Manhattan to try and pick up Viper's voice when she calls her agents. Pincher vetoes Fury going on the mission in his current poisoned state; Fury ignores this order on the grounds of "who the hell else is going to do it? The LMD?".

[Aside: Fury makes a good point given that SHIELD apparently only has about 30 people working for them, with a good half of that number being administration staff. Given that the current mission has a 'team' made up of three (Fury, Pierce and Kate) and another 'team' of about six (Val and nameless extras) you really have to wonder if SHIELD is up to the task at hand if it would struggle to put together a soccer team, let alone an operation to save millions of people from agonising viral death.]

While Fury and Co. are flying out [in another obvious bit of miniature work], Pincher orders them back to base or he will level charges against Pierce and Kate. Inspired by Fury's lead, they both ignore Pincher's order. Pincher gets to call Fury a "comic book cowboy" before being cut-off.

In Manhattan, Val's team looks for Hydra, but come up with a decoy instead.

While looking for the Hydra headquarters [which they don't really know the location of, so they are just flying around blindly - ahhh, Espionage!], Kate asks Fury why he left SHIELD. This gives Fury the opportunity to spout the following gem of character dialogue: "When the Iron Curtain was sent to the cleaners, I was suddenly out of style. Not diplomatic enough. It was time for me to move on" and also "For me Kate, there never were any rules". Just as the speech ends, SHIELD picks up Viper's Manhattan phonecall. The trace reveals that Fury and Co. are right above the Hydra headquarters. Almost instantaneously, Fury's aircraft detects two surface-to-air missiles, so Fury and Co. have to bail out just before they are hit.

On the Helicarrier, Dougan indicates he thinks the loss of contact means Fury is probably dead, so it means the Hydra headquarters probably won't be taken out. The commanding officers decide they'll have to rely on Val... but won't tell her Fury is down, just in case.

Having visually spotted every refridgeration truck in Manhattan in just a few hours, the Helicarrier command find "one last possible" truck for Val to look at. [Oh, the suspense! Will this be the truck they have to find?]

Fury and Co. swim to shore of the Hydra headquarters (which appears to be based in an abandoned bomb shelter / junkyard... but more the latter than the former). They equip themselves, then head off to "kick Hydra butt".

In Manhattan, Val finds the target (it's a garbage truck [not many of them in Manhattan either, I'll wager]) which also just happens to be staffed by Hydra's bald, albino foot soldiers [which makes it about as inconspicuous as Chris Rock at a Republican fundraiser]. Pincher wants action, but Dougan yells at him about how a bomb set off in that location would "cover Jersey, Pennsylvania and Ohio in ten hours!". Pincher backs off.

Fury and Co. enter the Hydra base, avoid the security lasers [which consist of awful special effects and non-sensical solution - a spray that apparently blocks the lasers but doesn't set off any alarms] and spot a lone guard. Pierce (who was "top of my class in silent killing") goes to disable the guard and fails miserably. Fury saves Pierce by shooting the guard with a silenced pistol, then starts chewing him out... until he realises that it's "all been too easy". Immediately after, they are ambushed and captured.

They all get taken before Viper [who's wearing some weird "I Dream of Jeanie" and vampire fetish outfit mix] who admits she's going to activate the virus (sacrificing her brother) to "the verld of the verge of coming revolution". [Yes, she actually says "verld". Yes, her motivations are as paper-thin and cliched as you'll probably ever hear.]

[Aside: And it is about here that Hasselhoff hits his stride. Whether or not he realised at this point the garbage that "Nick Fury" was, or just decided to have fun with it, or stopped going to rehersals or whatever, from here on in Hasselhoff is actually entertaining to watch. Sure, it's only taken three-quarters of the movie to get there, but better late than never...]

Fury badmouths Baron Von Strucker and gets hit for doing so by a goon - Pierce ineffectually struggles in the background in an effort to help his man crush. Viper says that "Fury is already dead" so not to kill him and then orders the prisoners searched. She finds an electronic lockpick under Fury's eyepatch that her guards had missed. The SHIELD agents are locked up.

Back in New York, Hydra arrives at their destination (an abandoned factory with absolutely perfect views of Manhattan) with Val and SHIELD close behind. [As a note: this was shot back in the early 90's so the Twin Towers are still there - I know some people find this upsetting, so this is your warning.]

Back to Hydra HQ - under lock-up in a cold room, Pierce stutteringly and close to tears [well, almost] promises Fury he will resign from SHIELD should they survive. Fury ignores that and tells him he has the "makings of a field agent" [sure he does... just not a good one].

NY - Hydra sets up the missiles loaded with the Death's Head virus and aim them at Manhattan. Both Val's team and the Helicarrier command seem to have no idea what to do and stand around looking worried.

Val wonders where Fury is, then gets all concerned when she finds out that he has dropped off the communications grid. SHIELD command wants Val to move in, but she wants to wait "just a few more minutes" to give Fury more time [for what? If he's dead, a few more minutes doesn't mean a thing! Val's obviously been reading the script and knows that Fury needs time to get out of his jail cell.]

[Aside: Two things here - 1) SHIELD is using some of the lamest callsigns ever created to communicate on this operation: the Helicarrier is "Chief Surgeon", Val is "Head Nurse" and the Hydra / missiles are the "patients"... it just doesn't work; and 2) I think the best time to attack some terrorists would probably be while they were setting up their base, not after they'd got everything ready and were fully prepared... but then, I'm not a counter-terrorism expert like Val obviously is.]

In the cold room cell, Fury plucks out his fake eye from behind the patch - it's an explosive. He blows open the door with it, killing one guard. Escaping, Pierce disables the single guard who comes to investigate the loud explosion in the prisoners' quarters and gets to look very happy with himself.

NY again - Val gets prissy when ordered to move in. SHIELD jams the communications and a Hydra agent who was doing some Steve McQueen ala "The Great Escape"-style ball throwing ends up with a grenade instead (and a grendade with the world's smallest explosion at that). Val's team abseil down from the roof and take out all the goons. After a touch of banter, Val takes out Werner with a headshot - "operation over, patient sedated".

Hydra HQ again - Fury's team fight their way through one or two Hydra soldiers at a time. Getting sicker, Fury orders Kate and Pierce to leave him. They do.

NY again again - while Val's team mill around looking useless, the missiles start to arm themselves due to a back-up system. Val (and SHIELD command) can't do anything without Fury [which is a statement that applies to both this scene and the entire movie].

Hydra HQ again again [boy, what's with the cutting back and forth? It's not like it's generating any tension, since everything is so cliched that you already know what's going to happen] - Viper waits with Zola for her moment of triumph. Fury bounds in [if you look, three seconds before Fury appears there are a couple of guards and a technician in the area; the moment he arrives, they disappear thanks to the magic of poor scene continuity] and fights Viper in a badly choreographed hand-to-hand fight. Zola manages to get a hold of Fury's gun and, after mocking Fury for under-estimating him, gets shocked by the gun's electrical system [which was telegraphed as something that would happen about sixty minutes ago]. An automatic countdown starts and Viper tells Fury he's too late.

Elsewhere, Kate and Pierce are lost in the base.

Viper and Fury continue to fight (with Viper swinging on some cables to deliver a dropkick to Fury in a move that would better suit Spider-Man) with Viper managing to get a gun and put a few bullets into Fury.

Elsewhere, Kate and Pierce are lost in the base, [it's even better the second time, I know.], but this time they have Hydra troops firing on them.

Viper monologues to Fury's corpse and is surprised when Fury gets the drop on her from behind - the dead Fury is really the Life Model Decoy.

[Besides taking a deep breath and have a long sigh about this bit, the only question I really have is where in heaven did Fury store the LMD? I mean, it's a full-sized version of him - it's not like you could just fold it up and pop it into your belt. But I'm willing to let this slide because, thank god, we've almost finished this monument to mediocrity.]

Kate and Pierce get backed into a corner by Hydra forces, but are saved when Fury opens the control room door [and now we know Fury's been reading the script too, because he couldn't have seen them or known they were there from any other method]. The door won't close, almost letting Hydra forces into the room, until Fury puts a bullet into the control panel. Fury calls SHIELD; everyone in SHIELD turns to Fury to save the day.

Hydra soldiers start to cut through the door to the control room.

Fury needs to get the abort codes and has Kate try to psychically probe the abort code from Viper's mind. Kate needs a pep talk from Fury first, but she manages to pull it off. After a fake out (what's the last digit? Has Kate got it right?) the abort code works and the missiles are deactivated.

Viper gloats that Fury will still pay when the Hydra soldiers get through the door; the Helicarrier shows up above the Hydra base and finishes off the idea that Hydra might get Fury.

Gabe gets some of Viper's blood for Fury's anti-toxin (and in what is probably the best line of the movie, Viper tells Fury she'll "see [him] in hell"; Fury replies, "We'll do lunch!"). Another missile countdown starts, but this one is just a distraction so that Viper can v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y get away in an escape lift with her father's corpse.

On the Helicarrier, Fury gets his anti-toxin. Pincher shows up to yell at Fury for his "breach of protocol" [oh, those wacky bureaucrats, always going on about protocol]; Fury slugs him out [as expected, Fury gets no reprimand for striking the head of an international espionage organisation.]

On the bridge, Val and Fury bond (Fury: "Maybe I lost more than my job when I parted ways with SHIELD, and maybe it took a dose of dying to realise it"). Dougan interrupts them before they kiss and talks about the future [which thankfully never was, given that this obvious tv pilot / movie was never turned into a series]. Fury also gets a cigar from Dougan; Pierce "doesn't see a thing, sir" [boy, hasn't he grown as a character?]; Fury says he's been thinking of quitting the habit. Val and Fury stand together, watching the clouds.

Elsewhere, Hydra has set up a new base. Viper is joined by Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker, who looks pretty good for a man who was dead for five years. They say some vaguely menacing things - "let ze verld tremble this night" - and Daddy and Daughter go cackling down the hall together.

Roll credits [thank god!].

As a point of comparison, 1998 saw the release of both "Nick Fury" and of "Blade", which makes me wonder if Marvel hasn't just gotten lucky in recent years and the bad old times are just waiting to return. Yes, there are differences - "Blade" had theatrical release and a budget while "Nick Fury" was made for TV and screams "I'm a pilot episode!" - but David S. Goyer was the writer for both and a lot of the usual suspects (Avi Arad, Stan Lee) are associated with both. Perhaps Marvel owes Stephen Norrington a greater debt than it realises.

Although the butt of many pop culture jokes, David Hasselhoff is probably the best thing in this. He doesn't always appear comfortable with the material and some of his dialogue delivery is a bit flat because of it, but he does manage to add a bit more depth to Fury than the material would seem to allow. Hasselhoff seems to get more into being Nick Fury towards the end of the movie, so perhaps more (or less, depending on what happened during the rest of the movie) time in rehearsals would have worked in his favour.

But anyway, there you go - David Hasselhoff is the best thing in "Nick Fury". That's vaguely terrifying.

I suppose Lisa Rinna is okay as well, but her character is so dependent on Fury to do anything (except perhaps getting angry at Fury for not wishing to discuss their romantic past when terrorists are threatening a major US city - oh, you're a selfish man, Fury!), you have to wonder how she managed to survive when he was gone. As for the rest of the cast... well, they run the gauntlet from passable through to hilariously awful.

What else is there to really say? "Nick Fury" is the kind of movie you'd only ever watch to make fun of it. Although I'm sure they did the best with what they had, everything screams cheap, while the script seems churned out of some sort of computer program that grabbed the most common cliches from other movies, changed the names and made Fury the only character who could do anything.

In short, "Nick Fury" is the result of Marvel selling yet-another one of its properties to a party who shoved it onto the production line and spawned yet-another film that insulted fans of the character while reinforcing the notion that comic book movies are inherently stupid. The most complementary thing I can say about "Nick Fury" while still being honest is that it is absolutely mediocre; I'm sure others who have seen it would be less polite than that.

In short (since I have had only minor exposure to the character), Nick Fury is the Marvel Universe's answer to James Bond. The movie uses some of the general set-up and associations that surround Fury as a character, but suck out all the life from the idea and replace it with something that can be filmed cheaply.

Overall, "Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD" tries to make all the right noises, but it is a long, long way from being Nick Fury the comic book character.

Uninteresting to watch (except to laugh at), full of irritating characters that are badly acted and with a script that consists of a combination of cliches, "Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD" really doesn't have much going for it that is worth recommending. Yet another in a long line of bad movies based on Marvel comic book characters.

Viper gets three funktastic points all on her own, with everything else adding up to form the other one point.

Date of review: 01 November 2005