The Phantom

An EEE-vil businessman seeks to find some magical skulls that will give him Ultimate Power^TM. Fortunately for us, the Phantom is there to stop his wicked scheme... although more by accident than design.

The Phantom / Kit Walker (Billy Zane)
Diana Palmer (Kristy Swanson)
Xander Drax (Treat Williams)
Sala (Catherine Zeta-Jones)
Quill (James Remar)
The Great Kabai Sengh (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa)
Uncle Dave Palmer (Bill Smitrovich)
Phantom's Dad (Patrick McGoohan)
Falksmoor, the Phantom's Butler (Bernard Kates)

Year: 1996
Censorship Rating: PG

I'll be open about this: the Phantom was my entry into the world of comics. Although they didn't start me collecting comics, I had read the Phantom all through my childhood and they probably have a direct link to the amount of money I spend on comics today.

As a fan of the series, I was delighted to hear that a film was planned... and not so delighted when I saw said film. But I get ahead of myself:

Opening with "For those who came in late..." [which is the standard entry to Phantom comics and acts as a recap of what's going on], the origin of the Phantom is shown as pirates of the Sengh Brotherhood kill the original Phantom's father on a galleon. The boy who would grow to be the first Phantom is washed ashore on a jungle island where the natives rescue him, clean him up and give him a magical Skull Ring that forges the Phantom's destiny. [These scenes just smack of colonialism, especially when the boy is carried through the jungle on a chair. And why give the kid a Skull Ring at all? Must just be standard practise when someone washes up on their beaches.]

[Aside: The above origin has been changed for the movie, perhaps to better suit the film's target audience - kids. The comics have the first Phantom as a young man when his father is killed and he washes up on shore. A vow is made on the skull of his father to avenge his death - hence the Skull Ring - and thus the Phantom is born. Obviously, vows on skulls probably wouldn't have gone down well with the pre-school set, hence the change.]

Cut to the 1930's. A truck speeds through the jungle. Inside it are four men [you only see two for a while, and one of the men looks like Indiana Jones if you squint enough] and a young boy. [The young boy (who is presumably acting as guide) is really only there to be rescued. Oh, and for a jungle kid, he drives a truck quite well when given the chance.]

The men are following a hankerchief... sorry, map, ... to a cave. The cave is meant to be protected by a "Ghost Who Walks". [Like all henchmen however, they don't let this worry them much.] However, they are watched by tribesmen as they enter the cave.

After a little bit of searching, one of the henchmen finds a silver skull [that you'll recognise from the Phantom origin story if you were paying attention] at the foot of a shaman's corpse. The skull is what they are looking for and is quickly thrown to the leader of the henchmen [who's name is Quills and is the Indiana Jones look-a-like]. Suddenly [although a bit slow off the mark to stop the skull theft] the shaman comes to life and strangles the thief to death. None of the other henchmen seem unduly concerned by this event. In the distance, drums start up.

What initially looks like an animal rave turns into some costume shots of the Phantom and his trained animals (a wolf named Devil and a horse named Hero). Apparently the Phantom isn't too far away because he appears out of the jungle on Hero just as the henchmen are leaving the cave. His appearance freaks them out and they attempt to get away .

[Aside: I call this misplaced priorities. On a day where I see 1) the dead come back to life and kill someone I know and 2) a man in purple spandex, event number 2 is going to seem downright normal by comparison. Oh, and seeing the Phantom come out of the jungle just makes purple seem like a stupid colour for the environment he is in. I know that's his costume, but it doesn't quite work in reality - it is classically funktastic.]

The Phantom dispatches one guy quickly and uses the trees to teleport himself in front of the now-moving truck. Although he does manage to take out a bad guy or two, the Phantom really doesn't do so well for someone who is meant to specialise in this line of work, getting himself trapped on a ricketty bridge after being stabbed. Through luck rather than good planning he manages to escape the collapsing bridge and also saves the young jungle boy [just so we know who the hero is.]

Back at the Jungle Patrol some of the henchmen are being brought in for questioning. They mention the Phantom, who the Commander denies the existance of and calls jungle superstition.

Cut to the skull cave. The Phantom is mostly out of costume and getting the knife wound treated by his butler, Falksmoor. [It should be noted that in the comics 1) you never see the Phantom's eyes and 2) he has no butler, so this scene seems very wrong to Phantom fans.] The Phantom is looking for information on the silver skull that was stolen. At this point, the Phantom's dad stops by to chat about what has just happened. [Phantom fans, already aghast at Falksmoor and a maskless Phantom, begin to quietly weep with the introduction of the dead father.] Dad gives some advice to the Phantom that's pretty obvious. [I got the impression that Dad is a bit disappointed in the current Phantom and how he's had to pass on the family business to his goof-off son.]

Jump to New York City. Diana Palmer catches up with her newspaper editor-uncle Dave Palmer at a high society party. The uncle is about to publish an expose on a business man called Xander Drax [you know Drax's EEE-vil because of his mustache]. Uncle Dave spits out a list of things that Drax is allegedly involved in (like the occult and those skulls), but the mayor and police chief think he should drop the story. Diana volunteers to fly to Bengalla to investigate Drax's connections since her uncle is unable to. Once the party is over, the police chief runs back to Drax and tells hims what is going on. [Tattler!]

Drax plans to stop Uncle Dave and Diana from interferring with his plans. He also deals with Uncle Dave's inside source in a particularly unpleasant way.

Diana leaves on a clipper to Bengalla the next day, but she is being tailed by some hoods. The plane she is on is boarded by pirates and Diana is abducted by a woman called Sala.

Cut to the Jungle Patrol. Jungle Patrol Commander arrives in his office to find the Phantom waiting for him. They chat like old friends and the Phantom is pretty non-plussed about anyone seeing him with the Commander. [Unlike the comics, where the Commander never sees the Phantom and is actually unsure whether he is a jungle myth or not.] The Phantom hears that Diana Palmer (who he obviously knows) has been abducted and sets off to save her.

Diana is being kept on a boat near some seaplanes. Sala is gloating [badly] over her. The Phantom sneaks on board and walks into the ladies shower room by accident [calm down boys - PG film, remember?]. Being the gentleman he is, he almost gets shot by one of the women (who is actually a sky pirate) because after all, women can't be evil, right? By good fortune, he manages to slide down a laundry chute into the room where they are holding Diana. Sala gets the drop on the Phantom [who apparently won't hit a lady], leaving Diana to slug Sala. Romantic tension simmers between Diana and the Phantom, but Diana has trouble trusting someone in purple.

After almost escaping, the Phantom gets captured by Quill, who hits him in the wounded ribs with a metal wrench [ouch! I winced at that]. However, Devil saves the day and the Phantom and Diana escape on a seaplane. Unfortunately, the seaplane is running out of fuel [as they always do] but Devil has talked to Hero [that's right - in the finest tradition of Lassie, Devil barks at Hero, who neighs back] and the horse is on his way. Rather than landing the seaplane in the clearing [which seems to last forever] the Phantom and Diana jump off the plane onto Hero. Which means that men in trucks can appear and now start shooting at the starring couple.

Our couple does get away, of course, but this section contains my favourite scene in the movie. At one point, while the bad guys are still shooting at Diana and the Phantom, the Phantom actively puts Diana in more danger by shifting her behind him on Hero. [Way to use her as a human shield Phantom! Good thing these guys shoot like Stormtroopers...]

Having escaped, the Phantom heads back to the Skull Cave with Diana in tow. He explains a bit about himself, then gives her a black pearl necklace. The Jungle Patrol Commander shows up to take Diana home [thus providing an independent witness with evidence that the JP Commander knows the Phantom is real] and Diana heads back to New York without so much as a backward glance. [Overall, this scene just makes the Phantom look as incompetant in dealing with women as he is in being a pulp hero in this film.]

Diana gets back to New York City where she passes on what information she knows to her Uncle. Drax reappears, along with Sala and Quill. Quill lets us know that he killed the Phantom before. Drax gives us an example of an early PowerPoint presentation and explains how there is "opportunity in chaos". One of the mobsters who Drax invited declines to be involved in spreading chaos, so Drax spears him to the wall. Apparently Drax doesn't take dissenting opinions very well.

Kit Walker (the Phantom's alter ego) comes to New York City. Although you will find out that he spent time at an American university with Diana, he apparently doesn't understand the concept of money, so gives his cab driver several thousand dollars worth of glass... sorry, jewels. He meets with Diana [and some suitor of hers, who only exists to show that Diana is an "independent woman" and doesn't need a man] and they find out [from the suitor, so I suppose he has a secondary role of expounding some narrative] where the next magic skull is - the museum.

Kit and Diana arrive at the museum to find the skull as a part of an exhibit. Taking the direct route, Kit smashes his way in and gets the skull, only to have Drax appear with some heavies and take it off him. In possession of two magic skulls, Drax has a Highlander-esque moment as the skulls fly around and show him the location of the third skull - in (cue dramatic music) the Devil's Vortex, a mysterious group of islands where ships disappear. Kit and Diana are separated, with Kit being taken away for some "interrogation". However, he escapes and changes into his Phantom outfit. [Boy, it would have been hot wearing two sets of clothing...].

The Phantom in New York has some nice action moments that shows perhaps he isn't so incompetent as a hero. However, it also has 1) a conversation with his father in the back of a cab about how he's found a girl he likes and 2) the Phantom hiding in a tiger's cage, with the tiger growling at the police but being supplicant to our purple antagonist. [Both bits are a bit cliched and reek of funktastic-ness.] Anyway, Drax (with Quills and Sala and Diana) set off by seaplane to the Devil's Vortex, with the Phantom getting there in time to hang onto one of the seaplane's landing pontoons.

After a period of travel (I think it's two days but could be wrong) they arrive at the Devil's Vortex. [Despite having spent two days exposed to freezing temperatures while hanging onto the plane, the Phantom seems okay.] Drax et al arrive on one of the islands and run into some pirates... who are part of the Sengh Brotherhood, wouldn't you know? (Oh, and the pirates have been sinking ships in the Devil's Vortex, giving it a reputation.) Quills is also a Sengh Brotherhood card (well, tattoo) holder, so they aren't killed immediately. Instead, they are brought before the Great Kabai Sengh.

The Great Kabai Sengh has his base in an old galleon, set in a moat that just teems with killer dolphi... err, sharks. [Sure they look like dolphins, but I'm sure they are really sharks disguised as dolphins. Anyway...] Sala gets a bit concerned that she is among a bunch of pirates and plans to stick by Diana. Drax tries to appeal to the Great Kabai Sengh to go into partnership, but things aren't going well for the villains we have grown accustomed to. Fortunately the Phantom shows up to rescue them. This action scene was pretty well handled, especially on the Phantom's side - it makes him look pretty good at being a hero. The Great Kabai Sengh dies, mauled to death by dolphi... err, sharks, and his pirates appear beaten.

The Phantom, Sala and Diana attempt to escape with the third magic skull (by hanging onto a torpedo / submarine, naturally) but Quills and Drax foil the Phantom's escape. After a quick fight, the Phantom kills Quills, but Drax ends up with the three skulls in his possession. Drax tries to destroy the Phantom with the power of the three skulls, but the Phantom reveals that he holds the fourth controlling skull - it's his skull ring! [Which he appears to have known all along, but again the Phantom appears to be more lucky than well planned.] Drax and the Phantom have a laser battle in pirate base, with Drax coming off second best and disintergrating. The power output is too much for the pirate base, which starts to explode. At the last minute the Phantom grabs a chain attached to the torpedo / submarine and is whisked out of the base to safety... and with two attractive, grateful women.

But since this isn't a James Bond film, we cut back to the Phantom's home island. Sala readies the seaplane to head back to New York, having obviously recanted her wicked ways. Diana and the Phantom say their goodbyes, with the Phantom revealing himself as Kit Walker to her. Romance blossoms, and it looks like Diana wants to come back to visit her favourite purple pulp hero.

[Which won't happen until there is a sequel. Given it's been eight years (to this point) since this movie came out, I'm guessing that ain't going to happen.]

When I saw "The Phantom" when it was released, let's just say it didn't reach its potential or my expectations. Perhaps I was a bit too old for it or the film was too dumb, but it just wasn't the Phantom I had grown up with.

On re-watching "The Phantom" I picked up even more problems with the film. Overall it isn't a terrible film, but it has a lot of funktastic moments that really damage its credibility. And unfortunately, credibility is what you need if you want the audience to accept a man in purple spandex being a hero.

The acting is okay in most cases (although Catherine Zeta-Jones has really, really improved her thespian skills since this movie) but I doubt that anyone involved really has this film listed at the top of their movie resume. Treat Willaims is probably the most watchable as Xander Drax, but I also have a soft spot for Billy Zane. He does his best with the material he's got and captures the look of the Phantom. Unfortunately, there is too much letting him down to make this a star performance for him.

On a note of trivia, Bruce Campbell and Billy Zane were the last two contenders for the role of the Phantom, with Zane obviously getting the role. Still, it makes you wonder what things would have been like if Campbell had gotten the role...

The look is mostly there, but the spirit is missing, killed by a bad case of Originitis-B that was caused during the conversion from page to screen. Some major character points (eg you never get to see the Phantom's face in the comics) are violated in order for movie purposes.

To be kind, apart from the dead dad bit and character violations, most of what happened in the movie would fit right into a traditional Phantom comic. Unfortunately, it's the little differences that really sting since they break with the character's tradition and what the Phantom is / does.

Look, I am a realist and understand that the transition from comics to film means that things need to be altered. Unfortunately, the changes made here makes the Phantom into a poor cousin of Indiana Jones. It doesn't work that well as a result.

A poor copy of an (or perhaps all of the) Indiana Jones film(s), "The Phantom" has some enjoyable moments, but these are few and far between. It seems aimed at children, so perhaps if I was younger, I would have enjoyed it more. I'm not, and I didn't.

Dolphins as sharks! Kit talking with his dead dad! The skull laser battle at the end! The Phantom's dog talking to the Phantom's horse! And there's more! This movie has many adventures in the realms of the funktastic, but not often enough to take out full honours.

Date of review: 22 September 2004